Tales of Two Crypt Keepers
by mewriteallsparklytoo
Summary: Lots of one shots, some related..some not. All Genre's or most of them included in this neat, tidy package. Let's see what shenanigans we can get into with the characters of Twilight.
1. Chapter 1

**Howdy doody all! We are back again. Just couldn't stay away, this is too much fun.**

**This time around, we will be giving each other word prompts and two characters from the Twilight series. What happens next is anybody's guess. The chapters won't be related to each other for the most part. This is a series of drabbles or one chappie thingymagingythingy things….take that as you will…..*snort* They may be short, long or hellalong….IDK? Oh we shall see, we shall see where the typyfingers take us.**

**Since ATS began the last writing adventure, it is my great pleasure to start the ball rolling on this one. ATS is also away for a bit, so I most likely will do the first few….s'all good…she'll catch up when she gets back home.**

**Without further ado….and with telling that SM owns it all, lock-stock and barrel, we've just invited the characters to jump on our page and have some goofy fun….I give you "Tales from Two Crypt Keepers" (kinda catchy no?...get it?...We are two…Crypts belong to vampires…ya..I thought it was funny….laugh anyway ok? It boosts our egos!)**

**OH….and please remember these are un-betaed….as in..nada…none…strictly rough draft stuff here….**

**Chapter One: **

**Emmett and Jasper: RED**

"Dude….."

"What man?" Jasper met Emmett at the pub on the corner of Daily and Fifth Streets every Thursday night for the local game and "Thirsty Thursday." It had been their tradition since they were old enough to drink, and Edward was the only one who occasionally missed.

Tonight was one of those nights. Edward and Bella had just brought forth child number two, and they were currently being one happy family on the maternity floor at Seattle General.

"Oh man….dude….your hair…what the fu….?"

"What's your problem Em? My hair looks fine."

"No..have you seen it?...like lately?" Emmett's mouth was presently hanging low, tongue out like a Great Dane in the Phoenix sun.

"My hair is fine Emmett. Just how much have you had to drink already?" Jasper was starting to get peeved at his friend's lack of couth.

Emmett was a _**tell them like it is**_ kind of guy. His verbal vomit was known city wide and he held nothing back…..ever.

"Jasper!" Emmett couldn't contain his laugh any longer and burst out, pointing to the top of Jasper's head. "Your hair …..dude….it's red."

Jasper frowned at Emmett and took a long gulp of his beer. "It's not red Emmett." He sneered. "It's copper penny."

"Oh man….no…Jas, that's red. Like rooster red….lobster red…Oh fuck…Ronald McDonald red….ya..that's what it is…here, smile…"

Jasper felt the flash of Emmett's camera blind his eyes momentarily.

"Emmett….knock it off man. This isn't funny. " The pair were starting to attract attention, and it wasn't good.

"How the hell did your blond girlie locks get this shade buddy?" Emmett reached up and fingered one of Jasper's curls.

"Alice."

"Why the fuck would you let her anywhere near your hair….and with that color...?" Emmett was still touching Jasper's hair, silently mesmerized.

"I'm her final project."

"I'd say she flunked dude."

"No…listen dimwit…she has to cause a problem and fix it to prove to her hair professor that she can handle anything thrown at her."

"Her _**hair professor**_?" Emmett dropped Jasper's hair and clamped his lips shut, trying desperately not to laugh again.

Jasper huffed and took another drink of beer. "Yes _**Emmett.**_ Her hair professor."

"Is that like …um…the Nutty Professor?...cause dude…that is some seriously fucked up hair you got on that melon of yours."

"Damn it Em….would you just shut the fuck up and drink your beer so we can go?"

Emmett sat back on his bar stool, clearly chastised but still enjoying this little scenario. "Say no more bro…I get it…good pussy is hard to come by….I'd let Rosie dye my locks purple if she threatened to cut me off too."

Jasper could take no more, and punched Emmett in the shoulder, knocking him off the stool.

Emmett scrambled to get back on his seat and gave Jasper a funny look. "Jas….it's ok…you can tell me buddy…did she fuck up your hair _**and**_ cut you off?...Oh my God…she cut you off, got pissed and then did that to your head didn't she….damn…women are so sneaky and shit…all the time with that secret code they have and then…this…" Emmett went on with his rant, Jasper trying to tune him out but got sucked into Emmett's verbal vortex.

The sound of Jasper's phone ringing broke up Emmett's monologue. "Hey baby…what's up?"

Emmett could hear Alice on the other side of Jasper's phone and she didn't sound mad, sneaky or upset. "What's up with Alic…"

"Shhh…." Jasper hit Emmett upside the head and bent to block out the noise of the bar, holding the phone closer to his ear.

"So baby…what's the matter, is everything okay?...ya?...well, good. I'm glad it worked out. And we can turn my hair back in two days?...the professor liked your theory?...great. Okay. …Ya, we're just about done here, then we are gonna grab a bite and go up to the hospital. You and Rose wanna meet us over at Brown's to eat?...sounds good. Ok…darlin' see you in five."

"Drink up Em…we gotta meet the girls at Brown's to eat supper." Jasper drained his beer mug and grabbed his jacket.

"So, she's not mad at you, she didn't hold out on you, there's nothing at all wrong….and you let her do that to your head?" Emmett was stunned. He sat there looking at Jasper eyes wide in disbelief.

"Yes Emmett. Nothing is wrong. She asked, I said yes, because I love her and want her to succeed. She does well on this final and Alice is well on her way to owning her own studio, which is what she wants. Why wouldn't I help her out? I love her man….now come on…we gotta go." Jasper walked away from Emmett and towards the door of the pub.

"HEY….wait a minute….." Emmett ran after Jasper, perplexed that Jasper would give away his man card for some pussy. "You love her?...like _**love her**_ love her?"

"Yeah Em…I do." Jasper smiled a small, secret smile and unlocked the car doors, sliding into the driver's seat.

Emmett jumped in and buckled up, confused. "Dude…it's us…brothers above all else…no hoes…"

Jasper punched Emmett hard in the jaw and pulled out of the parking lot. "Don't ever call Alice that again Emmett. Rose may be a ho to you, but Alice is no ho….ever."

"Dude….you got it bad man….oh shit you got it bad." Emmett rubbed his jaw and smiled.

"Don't you love Rose?" Jasper was all man, but he loved his woman…and would make sure she had what she needed to succeed.

"Well…ya…but…man…."

"Well then act like it Em. Show her, make her see."

Emmett was silent the rest of the way to the diner, and through supper. Rose was worried a little, wondering what crawled up Em's brain and settled in.

_**TTCK~TTCK~TTCK~**_

"Oh….she's beautiful Bella." Rose was holding one brand new Emma in her arms and a squirmy Joey sat beside her, guarding his new sister.

"She is Rose. We are very fortunate." Bella looked at Edward, the love evident in her eyes and she settled back in the bed, content.

Edward kissed his wife's temple and grabbed Joey from Rose's side, tickling him as he sat down opposite her.

"Daeey….quit…I wanna see da baby."

"Let Rose have a turn Joey. She won't hurt Emma."

"But I's da big brover…It'sda is my job." Joey humphed and put his hands up in the air for emphasis.

"Plenty of time for you to guard baby Emma Joey. Let's let Rose and Alice have a turn right now okay?" Edward ruffled his son's hair and sat back, content as Bella was.

Emmett stood behind Rose and took it all in. _Maybe you got it all wrong bro….maybe…shit…maybe handing your balls over to a woman isn't so bad….maybe she'll let you keep them sometimes…you know…joint custody…Jasper seems happy with his red hair….Edward couldn't get any happier today….maybe living alone isn't all it's cut out to be…..hmmm…._

"Honey, you look deep in thought. What's the matter?" Rose leaned back and looked up at Emmett.

Emmett returned to the present and re joined the conversation. "Oh nothing Rose…just thinking."

Rose smiled up at him, and Emmett felt that pang that every man in love feels when he finally realizes it.

"Rose, can I ask you something?"

"Sure…are you okay Em?"

"Ya…I'm fine…but would you ever dye my hair red just to fix it again...or… put your foot down if I went fishing with the boys when we had a family dinner….or…would you make me go to bed when I felt like shit and had a fever but wanted a beer instead…or make me be in the delivery room if we ever had kids?"

"Is that what you want?"

Emmett looked at her a long time before answering. "Yeah Rose. I think I do…..I think I do."

Emmett leaned over and kissed the love of his life, realizing that red hair and cancelled nights with the boys could mean something good if you had someone to share them with.

"I want that too Emmett. I want that too."

"Just with you though. No one else right?"

"No one else Em. Only you."

Emmett smiled and looked at Jasper's red hair again. He hoped soon that Rose would screw up his hair in the name of love.

**A/N**

**Ok…so here we are….Emmett learned a lil sumthin' sumpthin' bout love this time round no?**

**I may be flying solo for a few chapters…or maybe not…let's see what chappie two holds….and what words ATS texts me…..it's in her hands peeps.**

**XXOO**

**MW2**


	2. Chapter 2

**I am alone in the playground that is my mind….no ATS here….**

***looks around at the vast desert, searching for some water* "My kingdom…..My kingdom…..My kingdom for a glass of water." *looks to the left and a hand shoots out, with a glass of water* Well then…..I guess my mind and I shall tarry on in ATS's absence.**

**She has lovingly given me another word….with two peeps….Two peeps that SM owns, along with the rest of the Twilight world. I'm just messing with their heads from inside mine. *evil cackle***

**ATS…come back soon baby….you are missed.**

**Chapter Two:**

**Bella and Rosalie: Lilly**

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Rose knock it off, that is not Edward's ex."

"Yes it is."

"Take it back."

Rose laughed and shook her head. "Bella, I can't. That person right there on the poster is Lilly McFee. Edward's ex from high school."

"Back the truck up buck….no…really?" Bella looked up at the poster, a frown forming on her face. "But she's gorgeous."

"What?"

"Rose, she's gorgeous. How can I compete with that?"

"Bella…Bella….Bella…" Rose put her arm around Bella's shoulders and smiled. "The key word here is _**ex.**_ She may look like that on the poster, but she doesn't in real life, and her personality does not fit the face you see up there."

"But, if she's in town….and Edward sees that poster….oh shit Rose…."

"HEY….have a little confidence Bella. You may think you can't compete, but I'm telling you there is no competition."

Bella wasn't so sure. Sometimes old flames spark to bonfires and she didn't want lose Edward.

"Rose..do you suppose we could like..um…take all the posters down?"

"Only if you want to spend 5 to 10 for vandalism. Ok..I'm in, where do we start." Rose giggled and started to touch the poster.

"Shit…no..Rose, I was only asking." Bella grabbed a still laughing Rose away from the posters and hurried her down the sidewalk to the campus coffee house.

They grabbed cups of steaming mocha latte's and sat down in the overstuffed chairs to gossip. A few minutes later, Bella could sense Edward's presence behind her.

"Hey beautiful." Edward leaned down to kiss his girlfriend of two years and Bella smiled.

"Hey handsome." Bella and Edward had a code language that sounded normal to the everyday passerby, but it was theirs alone.

"What are you doing after class today babe?" Edward took a seat next to Bella and flung her legs over his.

"Same ol' same ol'." Bella wiggled her eyebrows at him.

"Oh really?...no change of pace today?" Edward smirked at her.

"No I don't think so. I do believe same ol' same ol' is preferable today."

"Ugg…would you two just get a room…or go back to yours? I'm getting nauseous here." Rose caught on quicker than the average bear.

Edward laughed loudly and pulled Bella the rest of the way to sit on his lap. Arms around her waist, he breathed in the scent of her hair.

"EDDIE….ED..my man…." Emmett came running in the coffee house, and barreled into a nerdy looking student. "Oops..sorry man…"

"Emmett, what's your problem?" Rose gave him the evil eye, and damn if it didn't turn him on. Emmett had been trying for the better part of a three years to get her to notice him. He would never give up. Not until Rose was his. She just didn't know it yet.

"Only you babygirl….say you'll go out with me, and I'll calm down."

"Tell me another one Emmett."

"Ok, I see you…and me….by the bridge at twilight, …"

"Good God Em….enough…" Bella giggled. "Rose, just go out with the loser so he'll shut up."

Rose blushed and looked down. Emmett admired said blush and then remembered why he came in here to begin with.

"Edward..did you see who's in town this weekend?" Emmett's lips twisted into a snarl before settling into the present frown occupying his face.

"Yup."

"Does it bother you man?"

"Nope."

"You gonna go see what the fuss is about?"

"That's a negative."

"Cool."

Emmett walked to the counter to order his coffee.

"Edward?" Bella knew exactly what was going on, but couldn't figure out why Edward was brushing it off like this.

Edward looked at Bella, eyes full of caution. He wondered if she knew who Lilly was. Bella answered that question for him quickly.

"So, Lilly and High School huh?" Bella blew on her coffee before taking another drink.

"She's not part of my life anymore Bella. It's not important that I see her." Edward looked into Bella's eyes so she would see the truth coming from them.

Rose couldn't handle the silence and spoke up. "Edward, you should go see her and put it all to rest. Let her see Bella is a part of your life, that you've truly moved on. It would be total closure."

"Closure?" Bella was now confused. She and Edward had been together for two years. They were juniors so if he dated Lilly, then that was three years ago. "What closure would you need baby? High School was eons ago?"

Edward gave Rose the stink eye and Rose just grinned sarcastically at him. Rose knew what was best for Edward, hell, she'd introduced him to Bella hadn't she?

"Bella, it was eons ago, and that's why I'm not searching for any _**closure**_. I got my closure years ago."

"Yeah sure Eddie. That's why you still have '_**LM**_' in your phone contacts, and you have her shit in a little box on the top shelf of your closet." Rosalie needed to push this thing along so she did.

"What?" Bella turned to a hesitant Edward and her inferior complex grew a couple of notches.

"Rose, that's enough." Edward was pissed now. Rose was creating problems and they weren't wanted. "I still have Riley and McKenna's numbers in my phone too. I haven't talked to either one of them in more than three years. That box I keep on the top shelf has prom pictures and high school memorabilia in it. Period."

"Ah…but Lilly is part of that High School memorabilia."

Edward's irritation was growing leaps and bounds now. "So?" Edward raised his eyebrows at Rosalie, challenging her. "She's part of my past. It was fucking High School Rose….no big deal."

Edward turned to Bella and placed her face in is hands. "Bella, I don't hold any feelings for Lilly, there is only High School memories in that box. I can show you them, or I can throw them away if it makes you happy. I love you, you are my future, and nothing about Lilly can take that away. I'm not going to see her, because quite frankly, it doesn't interest me in any way. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Bella sat and looked at him, then at Rose, then back at Edward. She did see. All of it in his eyes. Bella knew what she had to let go of too, so that Edward could have the closure he didn't even know he needed.

"I do understand Edward. I know you're not lying about me or your feelings. I also think if you do go see her, just for a few minutes….you would have the closure you are saying you don't need. You do need it Edward. I don't know what this girl did to you, but you need to put it to rest…..even if you think you already did." Bella leaned in and kissed Edward's lips and ran her fingers through his hair.

"No babe. I…."

"I'll go with you if you want. I'll be good I promise. No cat fights." Bella smirked at Edward and he raised one eyebrow.

"Cat fight? Baby, that's kinda hot." Edward laughed when Bella hit his shoulder.

"Do you want to go with me Bella?" Edward was pushing boundaries now, but he needed to get this all done and over with…whatever it was.

"Truthfully?" Bella bit her bottom lip.

"Yeah."

"No. I want to see her, and see you walk away from her, but I don't want to talk to her. I prefer the image of hagpie in my mind thank you."

Edward chuckled and pulled Bella closer. "Okay. You can come with me, but sit at a table across the room." He then looked at the meddler sitting in the chair opposite him and Bella. "And you" Edward pointed to Rose, "You most definitely are coming along…..you started this."

"Wouldn't want to be anywhere else Eddie." Rose raised her cup in a toast and smiled as she drank from it.

_**~TTCK~TTCK~TTCK~**_

Sunday morning rose bright and warm. After breakfast, the trio headed over to the campus bookstore and to Edward's _**closure**_.

Upon entering, they saw the line forming for book signing. Lilly must have completed her reading already. Bella was secretly glad for this. She didn't want to know that Lilly was someone she would like in another circumstance. She preferred her distaste at a distance.

Edward made sure Bella was seated at a table along the far wall, well within his sights and moved to stand in line.

Rose, shit eating grin on her face, stood behind Edward.

"Edward, what are you going to say to her?"

"How the hell should I know Rose. This was your brilliant idea. Maybe _**you **_should think of something."

"I can think of a lot of things to say Edward. You wouldn't like them though."

"Let's just get through this and be done alright?" The line moved quickly it seemed and they were only two patrons away from talking with Lilly.

Lilly spied the duo when she looked up to check the line. She paled considerably, and looked back down at the book she was signing. Edward caught her expression and knew then what he had to say.

Soon enough, Edward and Rosalie were facing Lilly McFee. She sat up straighter in her chair and tried to maintain a professional stance. Worry crossed her features. Edward knew right then and there that it was all true. All of it. He hadn't witnessed something other than what it was back in High School.

"Why are you here Edward?" She ignored Rosalie.

Rosalie didn't like to be ignored, but this time…just this time, she would let it fly by.

"Why, to have my book signed by the famous Lilly. Why did you think I was here?" Edward gave Lilly a pointed look.

"Listen..Edward, could we maybe talk later….I could explain…" Lilly stuttered over her words just a bit, lowering her tone so the patrons in line wouldn't here.

"No….I don't think so Lilly. I just wanted to come, see for myself and have closure like Rose says I need. See….I don't think I need it. I got over you three years ago, rather quickly that day in fact. Lilly, do you see that beautiful woman at the table on the far wall?" Edward pointed to Bella and she smiled her shy smile. "That is my future. I love her, so for Rose's sake….and Bella's….I'm getting my _**closure.**_"

"Edward…I don't know what to say, I mean…it all happened so fast and well…I…..I'm…" Lilly swallowed hard, took a drink of water and looked around quickly. "I'm happy for you Edward. I'm sorry for what I did that was so hurtful to you and I do wish you well." She let out a deep breath and looked at him expectantly.

"Good to know Lilly." Edward turned and walked to Bella and escorted her out of the book store without a backward glance.

Rose came barreling out of the book store, out of breath by the time she reached them. "What the fuck was that...Edward?"

"That was your closure Rose. You satisfied?" Edward stopped, brought Bella to him and looked at Rose.

"The closure wasn't for me Edward. It was for you." Rose rose up a bit, waiting for some great lesson to spew forward from Edward's mouth.

"No, Rose….it was for you. See this?" Edward opened his phone. _**LM**_ is for Lincoln Masterson. He's the PA in my statistics class. His name was too long to type in.

Rose stepped back, chastised and Bella just stood there watching it all. Edward continued. "Rose, I love you like you really were my sister, but if you interfere one more time like that, I will deck you….no matter you are a girl. Understood?"

Edward was far from being done, and Bella silently stood there, worried for Rose. "You needed this closure, not me Rose. It was for you….because you introduced me to Lilly in the first place. Then the shit went down and you didn't get an explanation. You also introduced me to Bella. Is the link connecting for you now?"

Rose's face drooped and she nodded.

"Don't push me like that Rose. It isn't fair to Bella….or me."

"I'm sorry Edward. Truly I am. I just..well….shit…" Rose stumbled over her words, trying hard to give Edward the apology he needed.

"Edward, so …what is the big deal with Lilly?" Bella needed answers now, and she wanted them from Edward.

Edward looked at her and smiled. "There is no big deal Bella. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl pretends to like boy, all the while screwing the guidance counselor. Boy walks in on said tryst and runs the fuck out of the office. Boy then has to talk to the school board, because not only did boy see said tryst…but the principal did too.….done….over."

Bella gasped and put her arms around Edward. She didn't know what to say. "Edward..I'm….I'm…."

"Rose, I think our time here is up for today. Bella and I are going back to the apartment. Feel free to join us if you need _**closure**_ when I show Bella my box of high school shit….or stay away….it's up to you."

"No..it's ok, you two go on…I'll just mosey over to the coffee shop…..I'll be home in a little bit." Rose smiled sadly at Edward, truly regretful she had stuck her nose in a place it didn't belong.

"Suit yourself." Edward turned and walked away with his arm securely around Bella.

Tears formed in Rose's eyes as she walked toward the coffee shop, so lost in her thoughts, she didn't see Emmett walk up next to her.

"Say Rose…hey!...what are the tears…?" Emmett gave her a worried look.

"Hey Em….why am I such a fuck up?" Rose stopped and looked up at the gentle giant.

"Who says you are…I'll kick their ass." Emmett looked down at the girl he'd loved for three years, wondering if today was the day.

"I just interfered in Edward's life….again."

"Nothing new there Rose. You wanna talk about it? Coffee's on me." Emmett smiled down at her.

"Yeah…yeah Em..I'd like that."

Emmett's face rose in a victory smile and he took Rose's hand, leading the way to the coffee shop…and their future.

**A/N….EM to the rescue! So…sometimes….mayhaps….it's ok to let a sleeping dog lie no?**

**Ok…ATS is STILL away….perhaps she can get ahold of a computer…or maybe I'll do the next one….IDK….**

**Stay tuned!**

**XXOO**

**MW2**


	3. Chapter 3

**Here we are again kiddies…all alone, just yous and me…no ATS to be found yet. *Yells really loud in that vast desert* "ATS…ATS…Come home….* You guys see her rounding the corner yet? Me either. *sighs and sits down on too fat ass***

**Well, here is another installment of Tales of Two Crypt Keepers. Let's see what the group is up to.**

**SM owns all Twilighty shizz. We're just pulling puppet strings.**

**Chapter Three**

**Charlie and Edward: Balloon**

"Son…I'm tellin' ya she doesn't like them."

"Charlie, she's gonna love them. Because they are from me, and I'm awesome." Edward grinned at Charlie, dismissing the older man's wisdom.

"Ok Edward, but when you get punched in the gut and ignored for the rest of the evening…..I told you so." Charlie shook his head and walked into the living room to watch the game.

"She's gonna love them Charlie." Edward's voice rose just a bit, hopefully convincing himself as well as Charlie. Unease had settled in, but it was too late now. "Who doesn't love balloons on their birthday?"

Edward had thought long and hard on what to get Bella for her 23rd birthday. They had just graduated from U-Dub and come back to forks to find jobs and follow their future. Bella had secured, quite easily too, a job as second grade teacher at Forks Elementary. Edward had started with an engineering firm on the edge of the city, closer to Port Angeles.

The 20 minute commute didn't bother him, he'd rather drive the distance than let Bella do it. Edward had purchased a house close to both his parents and Charlie, but it was down a long lane, ensconced in the woods. Esme was helping him renovate it before he and Bella moved in.

That was another dilemma. Edward had been trying to get Bella to marry him since they were in their sophomore year at U-Dub. He didn't just want to _**live**_ with Bella, he wanted her attached to him in every way possible. Bella thought differently.

So, in the interest of everybody, Edward had attached a beautiful ring to the balloon cluster. It was perfect for Bella. A square cut, one carat diamond nestled down in a titanium band that screamed vintage even though it wasn't. Edward had designed it himself; sure this would be _**the **_ring for _**the**_ girl…his girl. The sides of the band were an embroidery pattern instead of solid. The inside inscription simply read **"to have and to hold, forever"** in a delicate script. Edward was rather proud of himself for this creation. He just hoped Bella was too.

Charlie chuckled from his seat in the living room. "She's pulling in now boy…better hide."

Edward swallowed hard and busied himself at Charlie's counter, finishing supper. They had spent time at both parent's households, kind of like joint custody until the house was finished. Tonight was Charlie's turn and Edward had said he'd get the evening meal ready.

Bella came bounding in the house tired, but happy to be home for the day. "Hey dad…who's winning?"

"Me." Charlie's reply made Bella do a double take and walk backwards to hear it again.

"What did you say? Me?" Bella was confused.

"No baby girl…I said see. You can see who's winning on the tube."

"Oh…okay." Bella laid her purse and satchel down on the desk in the hall by the living room and continued on into the kitchen.

"Hey Baby, what you doing?" Edward looked up from his vegetable cutting and smiled at Bella.

"Edward, you are a man among men for starting supper. What would I do without you?" She came up behind him and with putting her hands around his waist, snuck her hand through and stole a carrot.

"Hey…that's for supper…you'll just have to wait." Edward turned around and grabbed her, bringing his face down to hers, noses touching. He openly grinned as his lips took possession of hers.

Bella gave no argument as her hands came up around his neck and played with the hair back there. A muffled groan escaped her when he pulled her closer and squeezed her ass cheeks.

"If you two are done sucking face, you'll notice the smoke alarm is about ready to go off. Should I just go to the diner now, or can you salvage the mess?" Charlie stood at the kitchen entrance not impressed.

Edward jumped back from Bella and checked the wok. "It's fine Charlie. Geesh."

Charlie chuckled that old man chuckle and sat down at the table, awaiting the fireworks he was sure were about to begin.

Charlie and Edward exchanged glances, and Edward busied himself with those veggies he was cutting. Bella oblivious to it all went to the laundry room to hang up her sweater.

September wasn't usually so cool, but today the temperatures had dipped. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

"Um… Edward….you better run now…say..how do you cook this shit?" Charlie got up and moved to the stove.

"Charlie shut up." Edward started toward the laundry room only to be met by Bella in the doorway.

"Edward…tell me you did not…didn't…nope…did not at all get me birthday gifts. We talked about this…I don't like celebrating my birthday….you know this…."

"Bella shut it. I bought you some friggin balloons and a cake ok? I'm making supper. If that isn't low key for your birthday I don't know what is. Accept it all graciously and move on." Edward gave Bella the stink eye before she could punch him. Self preservation you know.

"But Edward…."

Edward cut her off. "No Bella. I'm allowed. I love you, you are part of me, and it's your 23rd birthday today. Let me enjoy it a little even if you don't want to."

Bella sat down at the table, balloons in one hand, cake box in the other. "Dad you know about this?"

Edward bust out laughing. Charlie couldn't weasel his way out of this one.

"Yup sugardoodle I did. I tried to tell the boy not to, but you know Edward." Charlie rolled his eyes and pretended to stir the food in the wok.

"Hey now….I wasn't alone in this birthday tom-foolery Bella. Charlie just said you didn't want balloons, not that you didn't want cake. Go on…look at the cake and tell me you do not want that sucker."

"Did you get this from Alice's bakery?"

Edward nodded and motioned for Bella to open the box.

"Oh…Edward….Oh…just…" Bella swiped her finger across the decadent strawberry frosting on the lemon curd cake and stuck it in her mouth, sucking slowly.

Edward swallowed hard and shifted his stance to accommodate his growing buddy downstairs. _She did that on purpose_….

"Edward this is my favorite cake. It tastes like Pink Lemonade…oh yum."

"Am I forgiven for the balloons then?"

"I don't know, I'll have to think about it for a minute." Bella took another swipe at the frosting and inserted her digit into her mouth.

Edward grabbed the cake up before Bella took her finger out of her mouth.

"Hey…wait …that's mine."

"Nope. If you can't do the balloons, then you can't do the cake right? All or nothing babe."

Bella huffed and sat back in her chair. "Fine. You win Edward. We Woop…it's my birthday." She raised her hands in the air in a faux show of enthusiasm.

"You can do better than that Bella. Give it up or you get no cake."

Charlie stood there spellbound. _No way..uh uh, she'll never…never like her birthday. There is no way that boy is gonna win this one._

Bella got up and walked toward Edward. She backed him up to the counter and took the cake out of his hands. After setting it down on the counter, she turned to him and gave him her sexy smile.

Edward was a goner as soon as he saw the smile. He bent down and lavished her lips with his own, paying no attention to Charlie standing less than 3 feet away

"Oh for heavens sake. Get a friggin room." Charlie left the kitchen then, ranting all the way to his chair.

"So you'll look at your balloons then?" Edward had high hopes. What was the worst she could do? Say no?

"Yeah Edward. I'll look at them and love them, because they came from you and you are awesome."

"Oh no fucking way."

"DAD! Watch your language." Bella was startled by Charlie's outburst.

"There is no way..uh uh" Charlie repeated himself minus the cuss word.

Bella and Edward hurried into the living room to see what Charlie was ranting about. They didn't see it either.

"Dad, what's the matter? Something happen in the game?" Bella looked at the scores at the bottom of the screen and nothing seemed amiss.

"It's nothing. I thought I saw something, but I guess I didn't." Charlie grimaced and took a sip of his beer, starting straight ahead at the TV.

Edward pursed his lips and his eyes bored holes in Charlie's head for a moment, before he turned and walked back into the kitchen. Bella followed him, still oblivious.

"Sit down over there and enjoy your balloons baby. I'll get you a drink. How about a glass of white wine?" Edward reached to get a wine glass from the cupboard.

"Oh that sounds good baby. Bella grabbed the balloon bouquet and started looking intently at each one. They weren't very _**birthday-ey **_as far as she could tell. No "over the hill" or "It's your birthday" on any of them. They didn't really make sense either. Each one had a word on it.

"Edward, I like that you bought me balloons that don't point out it's my birthday. Did you get these at a discount or something?"

"No." Edward shrugged his shoulders and set Bella's wine down before her.

"Well, they don't make sense." Bella read out the words on each balloon. "Me…Will…."

"I think you have to put them in some order to read them Bella." He didn't want to hint too much.

Bella tried again. "Will You Marry Me?" She looked up at Edward and frowned.

"Edward, did you take these from someone? That makes no sense." Bella gave a puzzled look at them again and looked back up at Edward, only to find him on his knee in front of her.

"Bella, read it again please."

The light went on upstairs for Bella and she gulped the wine in the glass. Her eyes went wide and she looked at Edward and read the balloons one more time. "Will You Marry Me?...Oh my God …..Edward?"

Edward reached up and plucked the ring off the center of the balloon bouquet and held it out to Bella. "Will you?"

Bella sat there stunned. She didn't want to get married…ever. Her mother had put too much information against it in her mind. She knew she loved Edward, that he was _**it**_, but marriage was a hard limit for her. Nope. She didn't want to get married. _Do I?...could it work?...perhaps…what's wrong with a piece of paper?...that argument could go both ways…and..well..shit..maybe I do._

"Please say something baby…please?" Edward looked at her and there were tears in his eyes. _Damn it…I pushed too hard too soon…shit…hell…fuck…please don't say no baby…oh please let her say yes…._

The seconds ticked by and Edward was a nervous mass of hopeful husband to be. Finally Charlie broke the silence.

"I can't believe I'm doing this…Bella…BELLA!…."

"What dad?" Charlie's yell for her, woke Bella up out of her stupor.

"Do you love that boy?"

"Yeah dad, I do."

"Do you want to play kissy face all the time and have babies?"

Bella giggled and Edward's face reddened. "Yes dad…I want that."

"Well then for the love of all that's holy…..girl…just say yes and be done with it. Geesh…kids these days…can't see the forest for all the trees…it's obvious…for fuck's sake."

"Dad!"

"Charlie!"

Both Edward and Bella called Charlie out on his cursing. Charlie wasn't having it.

"Well gee williky wiz guys" Charlie deadpanned. "Just say yes Bella and it will be swell."

Bella and Edward both chuckled a little, waiting for another tidbit of wisdom from the old fart.

"Listen…you both love each other, you want to be together, hell…you've been together for years…do us all a friggin favor and get married."

"But dad, what about…"

"You're not your mother Bella, and Edward is not me. You both have proven where your hearts are. Now put your money where your mouth is and ante up."

Bella took her dad's words to heart and looked at a hopeful Edward with a smile. "Yes Edward. Yes, I'll marry you."

Edward put his ring on Bella's finger and grabbed her up in a hug. "Not a big wedding Edward..promise me."

"Whatever you want baby…whatever you want." Edward looked down at Bella and grinned the grin of a man in love.

"Okay Edward…here it is." Charlie came out and handed Edward a twenty dollar bill.

"Dad?...what's that for?" Bella looked between Edward and Charlie.

"Your dad bet me you'd junk punch me and ignore me the rest of the night….I guess we won 'eh?"

Bella didn't know whether to be mad or happy that Edward won the bet…or that there was a bet...

So she just went with it and sat down at the table with a fork and her cake box, eating happily.

**A/N…well, all is well that ends well….wonder what ATS will have next? She's gonna have to play catch up quickly!**

**XXOO **

**MW2**


	4. Chapter 4

***MW2 sits on the floor counting fibers in the carpet waiting for ATS to come home….***

**I'm bored girls and boys….bored..bored..bored…**

**Here's another installment of our Twilight peeps…**

**SM owns it all…still.**

**Chapter Four:**

**Bella and Charlie: Scoobie Doo Slippers**

Charlie's eyes opened to a set of brown ones...and a set of green ones. The eyes and now giggles belonged to Bella and Edward's two little squirts, Emma and Ethan. Twins, though fraternal, they were the bright spot in Charlie's day, ...except at 5am...on Christmas that is.

"Grampa...GRAMPA...wake up..it's time..it's time..." Ethan yelled while tugging on Charlie's arm. "Get up...Santa's comed here, c'mon...wakey wakey Grampa".

Little Emma stood there, smiling shyly and giggled, her hand coming over her mouth. Charlie was in no mood to get up this early. Hell, Bella never even got up this early on Christmas. "I'm sure he's not been here yet, go back to bed, and maybe in a few hours." He tried to shoo them away to no avail.

"Noooooo Grampa...he's been hered, we sawed the empty plate, and dere's presents under da tree." Emma gave Charlie her surprised look and squealed, then put her hands over her mouth again to contain the excitement.

"Just where are your parents at?" Charlie wanted to pass the buck badly, and this was the right moment to do it.

Ethan took the lead. There was no way Grampa was getting out of this. "Daddy said last night..._"Makes sure you get Gramps ups firsted. It's his house, he will be sored if you don't."_

"They are sleeping, and the door's locked Grampa..and we don't wants you sored. So you have to come down, cause we can't go down there unless you do...mommy said."

Charlie knew when he had been had...and he chuckled to himself. _I should have talked to them before mom and dad did...damn smart son in law. _"OK, we'll go, but you can't open any until mom and dad come down...got it? You can have your stockings, but that's it."

The twins huffed and dropped their shoulders, but agreed. Anything to get the old man a movin' so they could plunder their bounty.  
As they walked by Edward and Bella's room, they heard the bed creak and a muffled moan.

"Oh...daddy's awake Em, let's go get him" Ethan got excited and started for the door.

"Nah...I don't think so Eth...I think he's just having a bad dream or something" Charlie quickly steered the kids down the hall and away from the door.

They made it downstairs in record time. Charlie's old farmhouse on the outskirts of New Haven was like a dream come true. When Edward had transferred to Yale to accept a position in the music department, Bella didn't want to leave Charlie behind in Washington. Charlie agreed, since he was retired, he made the move with them. He loved the 10 acres that came with the house, the apple orchard and the huge garden. It gave him a lot to do most of the year, and Bella with her family lived only 20 minutes away near the campus.

The twins had only been a year old when they moved, and Charlie was a great fill in babysitter. The arrangement worked well for all. Each had their own room when they came to stay, and Charlie re did the kitchen just for Bella and Christmas; His favorite holiday. Last year, they'd even had Esme and Carlisle, as it was Edward's turn for the parents and the house was huge.

Charlie turned on the tree lights and went to start coffee. He heard the excited giggles as the twins reached out for their stockings on the mantle. He'd purposely kept the fireplace unlit, knowing they would grab and growl. As the coffee brewed, he could hear their rants and gasps of surprise over what was in the stockings. Bella and Edward had filled them, but Grampa...had added some special things just for them. _Tell me I can't spoil my grandbabies...I don't think so...and if you two would stop googly eyeing each other, you would have seen me put the treats in their stockings...HA HA HA...jokes on you, as soon as they eat them, they are getting your asses out of bed and mine is going back in!... _

Charlie heard the familiar wrap of the treat being crinkled as it was opened...and then he heard mouth filled conversation.

"OH Emma...dis is good stuff. Santa always tinks to give us dis...but mommy never does."

"I know brover...dese are yummy...I just love...love rice krispies treats covered in chocowate."

"Dey are so big Emma...like way big building big"

"Ya...up to da sky big Eth...oh...oh...my tummy hurtes...but just a liddle bit."

Charlie came out with a mug of coffee and two cups of milk. "Hey kiddos...whatcha eating there?" Charlie handed each twin a cup and sat down. They drank it quickly, smiling and wiping their mouths with their sleeves when they were done.  
"That's darn good milk isn't it?...Ok, now go put your cups in the sink and throw away the wrappers. Then we can see what else is in your stockings."

Turbo mode had set in with the twins, both of them jumping up and running like hell to the kitchen. It may have been a cruel thing Charlie did to the parents of a certain set of 5 year olds, but hell...said parents shouldn't be playing hide the sausage when Old man grampa was having to get up at 5am..._I can't believe they actually finished them this time. Those were bigger than last year. Damn. Glad I'm going back to bed! _

Charlie had those rice krispies made at the town's bakery every year for the kids. Usually they were about 2 inches by 2 inches and only an inch or so thick. Not so much to handle, but this year, he'd asked Sue to make them huge. Sue took Charlie's request to heart and the treats were as big as Charlie's hand and about 3 inches thick. Those kids would be holy terrors until about noon, then they would crash...JUST in time for Charlie to sit back and snooze during the game.._Yup...wonderful plan_he said to himself.

The twins had dumped the contents of their stockings on the floor and were shuffling through them. Emma or Ethan would give an excited squeal once in awhile or they would exchange candy items. Soon, however, they grew restless.

"Ok kiddos...time to wake mom and dad." Charlie said, an ornery glint in his eye. As the twins tore upstairs, he went to retrieve the contraband wrappers and hide them in the burn barrel outside.

Edward and Bella begrudgingly came downstairs and said their Merry Christmas to Charlie as he held out two mugs of coffee.  
"Ok you two...have at it." Charlie poised himself with the camera and waited for the flurry to begin.

Ooooos and ahhhhhs were said over each gift before it was tossed aside and another grabbed for, Charlie snapping away all the while.

Before they knew it, the twins were done and it was the adults turn. Charlie opened his gifts quickly and thanked everyone, then gave the camera to Bella.

"Here you go Bells...this old man is going back to bed." Charlie chuckled to himself as he walked up the steps, happy with what was about to occur.

At precisely 9 AM, Charlie awoke, refreshed and satisfied. He was ready to start the day. Bella's cooking could be smelt from upstairs and he was more than ready to sample it for her.

Charlie pulled the covers back and put his feet on the rug to get up and felt something odd. Really odd. As he looked down, he saw slippers attached to his feet. Kid sized slippers...Scooby Doo slippers...attached with duct tape.

"WHAT THE FU..."

"Ah ah ah...don't want to influence the kids now do we Charlie?" Bella was at his door, arms crossed, wicked grin in place.

"Bella..so help me God...who did this?...I will tar and feather Edward...or was it ...YOU?" Charlie was beyond pissed. His pleasant morning was not so pleasant now.

"Guess you'll just have to find out who did it on your own...just like we have no clue who in their right mind would give little children rice krispies treats at 5 am the size of their heads." Bella turned and walked out of the room.

"Oh shit" Charlie murmured to himself...He knew he was had now. Best just face the music and get on with it.

Charlie meandered down the stairs with some difficulty and sat at the kitchen table, contemplating how to remove the slippers without ruining them. As he was figuring it out, Ethan came in with Edward trailing behind.

"Oh Gramps...you is awaked. You like da surprise? "

"What surprise?"

"Da slippers Grampa...I gots a letter in my stocking dat said Grampa likes your slippers so much, and dey don't have dem in his size...so after yous eat dat cookie treat, would you share your slippers with him please. AND...AND...grampa, you know wut?..Dos slippers wouldn't fit, so daddy tol me dat da ducted tape would hold dem on and your feets won't getted cold then." Ethan nodded his head and sat down, so very proud of himself for sharing.

"Thank you Ethan for sharing." Charlie couldn't very well yell at Ethan..the boy was doing what he was told, and he did it gladly.  
"Go find your sister kid...give her a hug for me will ya?"

Ethan popped up out of the chair and raced toward the living room. Charlie looked up and saw Edward's face. Charlie had never been afraid of anything ...especially Edward, but the look in Edward's eyes told him he should be.

Edward winked at Charlie and stuck his pointer finger in the air. He licked it and swiped at the air with it, then turned to leave the room. Edward turned quickly back though and said a simple sentence that would set Charlie on edge all day. "Oh and Charlie, you may want to talk to Santa about those treats so early in the morning...cause Santa also asked Emma to share something special too...only it's a secret, and she can't tell you what or when you will find it!"

Charlie watched Edward retreat to the living room, and then heard a chuckle come from deep in that son of a bitch's belly.  
_  
_


	5. Chapter 5

*******Curled up in fetal position, sucking thumb* Come home long lost friend….come home….**

**I don't know how long I can keep up this pace with ATS gone….hopefully she'll come back real soon and starting writing her ass off with the word/peep prompts I give her….**

**SM owns it all…..yet still**

**Chapter Five:**

**Emmett and Mike Newton: Splenda**

Mike Newton had only been at Forks High for four days, but that didn't stop the girls from swarming. He was _**fresh meat**_ in their eyes and since Emmett and his older brother Edward were off limits, Mike was fair game.

Mike enjoyed the attention his blonde hair and good looks got him. A smaller school meant less competition, and he was one horny senior.

Too bad though, because before the sun set on Mike's fourth day at Forks High, he would learn the meaning of _**limpdick.**_

"So…Mikey…" Emmett jokingly punched Mike in the arm as they entered the cafeteria.

"Sup' Em" Mike smirked at his new friend. They had a lot in common, and hit it off right away.

"I hear you been gettin' the ladies attention already dude…congrats man."

Mike's smug smile rose high on his face, then promptly disappeared and his mouth dropped open. "Damn Em…did you see that?"

"What?" Emmett turned around to see where Mike was looking.

"That. Right. There." Mike nodded his head toward a table where two girls were presently sitting.

"Oh…OH!...No, Mike..that's…"

"That's some sugar right there, that's what that is. Excuse me while I…"

"No man…don't do it..wait…" Emmett tried to hold Mike back so he could explain just who the ladies at the table were.

"You're crimpin' my style man…let go.." Mike started off for the table and Emmett grabbed the back of his shirt, holding him still.

"You do not wanna go there my man. Uh uh…stop."

Mike turned around and faced Emmett. They stood nose to nose. "Ya I do man..you don't get it..now listen whilst I school your ass for a minute."

Emmett's hackles rose and he raised his eyebrows at Mike. "What the fuck Mikey?"

"Just ribbin' ya…damn..but listen…look over there." Mike pointed to the cheerleaders table. "See those girls?"

Emmett nodded and Mike continued. "Those girls are Nutrasweet. You feel me man? They are super, sugary sweet without all the calories. Fun times those girls. No aftertaste to cling to me."

Emmett looked sideways at Mike, wondering where the hell this was going. Mike continued on with his analogy. "See that girl over there?" Mike pointed at another table. The girl was dressed like a punk rocker. "Yes her…she's Sweet and Low, cause she gives a hella blowjob.

Emmett started to see where this was going, but hoped like hell that Mike ran out of time before they got to Bella.

"Now those two ladies over there…." Mike pointed at yet another table, "They are like Splenda. Both of them together now…half artificial and half real. The best parts sweet on my tongue." Mike smiled to himself with the memories of just yesterday.

Emmett took a step back and opened his eyes wide. "Mike…have you sampled _**all **_those girls…already? Good God man…it's only been four days."

"Hey, when you got it…you got it." Mike's smile appeared again, and then disappeared as he got very serious.

"What the fuck you gonna do for the rest of the school year? Dude, you've blown through a fourth of the girls in this school already?"

"Go back for seconds…and thirds…and fourths…BUT listen dude..listen…that girl over there, the one with Rosalie…" Mike looked at Emmett to make sure he had his attention.

"What about that girl man?"

"She is Sugar in the Raw."

"The fuck man?"

"I haven't tasted that yet, but I'm telling you…she is Sugar in the Raw. All natural, sweet and long lasting."

"Oh really? You think you can taste that you say?"

"Watch and learn buddy. I know you have Rosalie, but you can always stand to learn something."

"Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you. You do not want to go there with her."

"Watch and learn Em." Mike sauntered off toward Rose and Bella's table. The girls were giggling about Bella's adventure in Seattle last week, and how odd it was to miss the first few days of school.

"But Rose, it was so friggin worth it. Every time I…."

"Excuse me ladies." Mike put on his _**Mr. Charming face**_ and pulled out a chair next to Bella. Rose rolled her eyes then gave Mike the stink eye.

"Rose, nice to see you again, and who is this lovely lady sitting here with you?" Mike turned his face toward Bella and smirked, sure he was about to get some Sugar in the Raw.

"Bella, Mike…Mike, Bella." Rose gave a sigh like she was bored and introduced them.

"Hi Bella. Such a pretty name for a pretty girl. Are you new here too? I haven't seen you yet."

Bella sat up, and looked at Rose for a minute. Her eyes conveyed everything Rose needed to give her back a huge grin and be silent.

"Hi Mike. It's nice to meet you too. I'm not new here, I was in Seattle for a few days last week. I had some college things to take care of."

"College? You've already been accepted somewhere?" Mike was impressed. _Definitely Sugar in the Raw._

"You could say that. I'll be graduating early this year. Done in January as a matter of fact, and will start at U-Dub directly after that for spring quarter."

"Wow….blow me away…impressive Sugar."

"What did you just say?" Bella sat up a bit straighter and frowned at Mike.

"Um…nothing, just that I'm impressed with your plans. So…Bella…how would you like to go out with me tomorrow night? After the game? We could hit the pizza place and then do the drive-in."

"Mike, I appreciate…."

"Just say yes Bella. Simple as one, two, three." Mike snapped his fingers, thinking it added to his manly machismo.

"Mike, it's like this…"

Mike put his fingers on Bella's lips and stopped her flow of words. "Listen baby, you…me…the stars in the sky, hell…what could be better than…"

Mike flew backwards with the chair and Bella suddenly stood above him. He scrambled to get up, holding his jaw. "Oh baby….I like it rough…so is this a yes?" He tried to smile at Bella.

Bella's eyes revealed the anger she was holding back. "Mike, …just ..NO. I already…."

"Shhhh…baby, just say …."

Bella brought her knee up and knocked the wind out of Mike's sails. While he was in the fetal position crying for his mama on the floor, she leaned down over him one more time. "I said NO Mike. NO…NO…NO…I'm not one of your slores…"

Rosalie laughed so hard, she had tears in her eyes. "Oh Bella…classic, that was classic. Good thing Edward talked you into the self defense classes."

Bella smirked and gathered her books. "Yeah it is…so..before I was interrupted…" She looked back at Mike, still on the floor as Rose and her walked away.

"Dude…I tried to warn you…." Emmett helped Mike off the floor.

Mike finally caught his breath and looked at Emmett. "What the fuck was that?"

"Edward's Bella."

"_**That's**_ Edward's girlfriend?" Mike had heard about Edward's girl. She was bad ass with a sweet demeanor.

"Yup."

"Nuff said man. Nuff said." Mike hobbled out of the cafeteria with his head down, dick limp and lesson learned.

**A/N**

**So…Mikey…Mikey…Mikey…when will you learn dude? You are not a ladies man. Hahahahahahaha….**

**OK..ATS…wherever the hale you be….**

**come on now …come on and lay another word on me**

**Funny, sad, scary or not**

**I promise to write a really big lot**

**If it's romance you do seek**

**I swear I'll even give you a peek**

**Just show your head in here real soon**

**I may even decide to sing you a tune (hell no..never happen)**

**Come back to us darlin' unharmed and all that**

**Before I eat all the kids chocolate and get real fat!**

**See you kiddies soon…**


	6. Chapter 6

**ATS is still gone…my long lost friend has given me separation anxiety…..*still in fetal position sucking thumb* Hopefully the prodigal will return to the safety and lurve of our nest here soon and write…write…write…cause me fingies are getting quite tired.**

**SM owns all Twilight stuff and I'm just gonna take a few peeps for a hella ride right now.**

**Chapter Six:**

**Jasper and Edward:**

**Cartoons**

"What the hell are you doing?" Edward plopped down on the couch, still tired.

"I'm watching Ren and Stimpy man…its cool."

"You dipshit, its five frikkin thirty in the morning." Edward rubbed his hands over his face and looked at his friend of 20 years. They'd known each other since the first day of kindergarten and never looked back.

"I know, but dude…we can't go fishing, we might as well watch cartoons right?" Jasper grinned and raised his eyebrows, entranced by the cartoon on the screen.

"We could be sleeping in our own beds at home with our wives….all snuggled in deep and warm…cozy and …."

"Shut up man. It's been storming since we've got here, but we can't give up man….We. Will. Fish."

"I think your nutsack's calling Jasper…..it's saying _**Alice..come to me Alice….honeybear….Alice….**_" Edward couldn't resist jabbing at Jasper. This entire week would be gone to shit, and it was Jasper's fault.

It was Jasper's bright idea to take a few days off and go the cabin the friends, along with Emmett shared. Just the guys this time. Only Emmett couldn't come. Seems his honeymoon was more important than some dude bonding time….fucker.

Jasper didn't count on a band of thunderstorms rolling in just when they pulled up to said cabin however, and it had rained…and rained…and rained, in fact, it was supposed to rain the whole time they would be here.

"We've been here less than forty eight hours Jasper…and all we've seen is the cabin. I'm bored, I'm tired, I'm hungry and that pizza we had Friday night is GONE. I say we go HOME..count our losses, buy some fish at the market on the way and be FUCKING done." Edward sneered at Jasper, his stomach growling for effect.

"You're a pussy you know that dude?" Jasper frowned at Edward and got up. "Hey…did you bring in the extra cooler from the suburban Friday night?"

"What extra cooler? I only brought the one…with the beer…and it's over there." Edward pointed toward the kitchen.

"The extra cooler in the third row of seats dude. It was your job to bring the shit in from the back half the other night. You didn't?" Jasper went to put his boots on intent on a mission.

"You're dreamin' man…there was no other cooler. I brought in what we have, and that means no food dude. We're gonna have to drive the miles to get down the mountain, and we need to do it quick, I'm fucking starved."

It was Jasper, Edward and Emmett's tradition to only stop for pizza on the way up the mountain and to live off the land their entire stay. This was a _**Man's Way**_. They were quite haughty about it, and it only made Bella and Alice giggle each time they did it.

"Fuck nut…read my lips." Jasper knew he wasn't crazy, there was another cooler in that damn suburban. He was pissed at himself for not thinking of it last night. "THERE IS ANOTHER COOLER IN THE DAMN VEHICLE. IF YOU DIDN'T PUT IT THERE, AND I DIDN'T PUT IT THERE…WHO IN THE HELL PUT IT THERE?"

"The girls." Realization dawned and they both said simultaneously and ran for the SUV.

Jasper flung the door open and Edward ran through it first, barefoot and shirtless. He slid around the mud encased driveway to the passenger side, third door and *poof*, like magic…..there it was. A beacon of light in the dark. A vessel grander than the lost jewels of Nabooti. A cooler.

"Do you recognize it?" Jasper had made it to Edward and they both stared at it, lost in the beauty before them.

"It's not ours. Not yours either?" Still staring at it, Edward brought a hand out, half afraid to touch it.

It was a rather large black cooler, taking up most of the seat. Condensation dripped from it, and the boys hoped whatever it housed hadn't been ruined in their negligence. To be fair, it matched the seat color almost exactly.

On the floor sat three large shopping bags. "Jasper, did you see this too?" Edward was now getting mad, because they'd been hungry most of the night, and here was food and supplies that they'd failed to see.

"Fuck it..I'm going in." Jasper yanked the shopping bags from the floor and ran them into the cabin, depositing them on the table. He then ran back out and jumped in the suburban, grabbing the side handle of the cooler.

Understanding immediately, Edward grabbed the handle close to him and they hauled the huge bounty of goodness into the cabin and set it down on floor by the table.

Overwhelmed by the abundant display of life saving sustenance on and around the table, the pair didn't know where to start first.

Jasper flipped open the cooler and sighed. "Thank God for women."

Edward looked into the cooler, amazed. The food in there had stayed cold, the ice barely melted. "Wonder which one of the girls bought this thing. It's fucking amazing. Must be super insulated." Edward picked up a block of cheese and some lunch meat, intent on tearing into both…with his bare hands.

"Wait…don't eat yet.." Jasper started taking the supplies of out the shopping bags and displaying them on the table.

The bags held everything two men would need for a week of shitty weather…plus.

"Look at this shit…bread, chips, cookies, soup, pudding cups, cereal, trail mix, candy bars, crackers…." Jasper rattled off everything as he ripped it out of the bags, and Edward sat and stared, drool hanging off his chin.

"Oh…and a note." Jasper plucked the note off the table and read it. "Edward and Jasper."

"Read faster man, I'm fucking starved…." Edward was quickly losing patience.

"We checked the weather, since you two wouldn't have and packed this nice cooler and other wonderful shit just for you. Stay healthy, stay warm and dry and don't even try to lie about the fish that got away. We're onto you…..and if you check the storage hold in the suburban you will find one more fabulous surprise. We will miss you and think of you while we get massages and pedicures. Love, the Girls."

Edward and Jasper quickly looked at each other and ran to get back to the SUV at the same time. They got stuck in the door and fought to see who would go first. Jasper relented and Edward sailed for the truck, wrenching open the passenger door and hastily opened the storage hold underneath its seat.

"Ohhhhhh shhhhiiiiittttt…motherload." Edward stood there and stared at it. Jasper reached into pick it up and Edward slapped his hands. "No dude…this is precious…we have to be careful, nothing too hasty now….."

Edward carefully and lovingly picked up an extra large tin pan of Bella's brownies. He cradled it to his chest like a newborn and slowly walked into the house. Jasper followed, entranced at it's beauty and solemnly sat down at the table opposite Edward.

One hand lightly flicked open the attached clear lid and the both leaned over and took a whiff.

"Dude….Bella…brownies….heaven…I hafta…." Jasper couldn't form a complete sentence.

"She already cut them….shit…." Edward picked the tin up and dented the bottom of one corner to loosen a brownie. He gingerly took it out and handed it to Jasper, then he took one for himself.

Everyone in town craved Bella's brownies. She was an excellent cook, Edward could attest to that, but her baking skills were far above anything anybody could compare to. Bella's brownies had won ribbons at the county fair and if you received a batch of the chocolatey goodness, you knew you were special.

Edward wasted no time shoving his prize into his mouth. "Vese aour fookin' goot Jas. Ve hafta wation vem doot stho theth wast." Bits of brownie sprayed from Edward's mouth and he smiled at Jasper, content.

Jasper just nodded and chewed, not wanting to waste a drop.

They sat there at the table and smiled, sighed and ate the whole container before they realized what they were doing.

"Ah fuck. The brownies are gone man. Shit." Jasper looked over to Edward who was licking the tin clean.

"We'll be home in three days, she'll make us some more." Edward set the tin lovingly down on the table and rubbed his tummy. "So..what cartoons are on now Jas?" Edward was suddenly sleepy, his eyes squinting at his friend. He felt happy and light.

"Foghorn Leghorn I think. Jasper did his best impersonation and giggled "Now listen here boy, I'ma gonna catch me a chicken hawk."

Edward rolled his eyes and sat down on the couch, grabbing the throw to cover up with.

"Dude…your feet…."

"Edward looked at his mud covered feet and chuckled. "So…this is a man's world. Me man..Me dirty." Edward started beating his chest, giggling like a school girl and couldn't stop. His squinty eyes looked over at Jas and saw two blurry images. "Jas, when did you get a twin man?"

"I don't know, but there are two Eddie fuckers looking back at me." Jasper grabbed his sides and laughed so hard he fell off the couch.

Edward sat upright quickly and looked sideways. He lifted his head and took in his surroundings and then shut one eye and squinted the other. "Dude…I don't feel so good…kinda dizzy."

"Me too Eddie…" Jasper sat up and looked seriously at Edward. He swallowed hard and whispered. "Ed…she put ganja in the brownies."

"What?..."

"She made pot brownies dude…she got us stoned. Bella put weed in the brownies."

"She did not…you're dreaming." Edward was offended Jasper would say something like that about his wife.

"Explain the twins then man…and the giggles…Bella spiked the brownies."

Realization dawned on Edward. "We haven't smoked weed since second year college. Where would she even get it? …and we couldn't see it in them, or taste it."

"I don't know, but it was some good shit…..I'm flyin."

"Fuck..did you hear that?" Edward was on his feet and to the window, pulling the curtain aside carefully.

"I didn't hear nothing man, but I got the munchies. Let's eat." Jasper put his lips together to avoid giggling again and dove into the food at the table.

"I could eat." Edward forgot why he was at the window, his attention elsewhere and wandered over to the table. Not waiting for the time it took to make a sandwich, Edward grabbed the cheese and the lunch meat from the cooler ripping both packages open. He held cheese in one hand, lunch meat in the other and rotated his hands to his mouth.

Jasper had the cereal box open and was eating it dry, handful at a time, staring off into space. "You know Eddie, this shit is good without the milk. Never thought…."

"It's all good, and I'm so fucking hungry. Edward noticed the cookies and dropped his handfuls of meat and cheese to grab the bag. Also ripping it open, the cookies went flying everywhere and he scooped them up quickly, shoving handfuls in his mouth. "I love these cookies man…best damn cookies ever."

The giggle fits set in again, and once their hunger was satisfied, Edward decided to take a nap. He drug his mud encrusted feet back to his room and collapsed on the bed. "Hey…Jasper…come 'ere." He sat up on his elbows and stared at the doorway waiting his friend.

"What…Edward…where are you?"

"In here bud…..hahahahaha…I said _**bud**_."

Jasper came in the room and looked down at Edward's feet. "Eddie…you better wash those feet, Bella will kick your ass."

"She ain't here…she's not here Jas…." Edward suddenly got sad and started to wail. "She's not here…..Bella's gone Jas."

"She is not dude…snap out of it." Jasper slapped Edward in the face and frowned at him. "She's gettin' a pedicure thingy."

"Oh..yeah…HEY!..." Edward yelled and sat straight up looking at the closet door. "DID you see that?"

"What dude?" Jasper looked around, suspicious.

"That..right there..that." Edward pointed to the closet door. "There's a duck and a bear and a fairy in it. See 'em?"

Jasper jumped behind Edward's back and cowered. Shaking, he thumped Edward on the shoulder. "Make them go away Ed. Send them away."

Edward looked over his shoulder and laughed. "The fuck dude? Are you serious?"

"I don't like closet animals man…they creep me out…make them go away."

"Man up pussy. They're not real."

"You don't know that. I think they come off the closet and night and fuck with you…and I don't like it."

"Well, it's day."

"Doesn't matter man…you've seen them, they've seen you. They'll be hopping off the door any minute." Jasper crawled under the covers, shaking.

"We didn't drop acid Jas…we ate some spiked brownies. Get real." But Edward stared at the closet waiting…

The sound of a car approaching had both men shrieking and running out of the room. "Who the fuck is up here?"

"It's Charlie…I know it. He's come to kick my ass for not being good enough for Bella. HIDE."

"Why would Charlie kick your ass now?"

"Seclusion…he can hide my body and no one will ever know…NOW HIDE!" Edward ran to hide behind the curtain, his muddy feet sticking out.

Jasper laughed and looked out the window. "Naw man…it's…it's the girls."

"OH shit..then really hide man…hide…Bella will kick our ass for being stoned Jas..Hide..shit..hide." Edward was hopping on his feet, bits of dry mud flecking off in every direction.

"Nope. I'm gonna hide behind the door and scare 'em."

"Wrong move man…oh shit..the trash…pick up the fucking trash Jasper…Alice will kick our asses for that."

Edward ran toward the table, picking up as many of the wrappers that he could and started stuffing them down his pants.

Jasper bent over laughing and snorted. At that exact moment, the door flung open and hit him dead center in the head. "Oooffff"

Alice and Bella entered and took notice of the room and its occupants. Edward stood there like a deer caught in headlights, and Jasper was sprawled out on the floor.

"What the hell is going on in here?" Alice about came unglued seeing the messes that lay all around the living room and kitchen.

"Is that _**MUD**_ all over?" Bella looked at Edward and saw the bulge in his waistband, the brownie tin sticking up over it.

Edward looked at Jasper, Jasper looked at Edward and they both started crying. Great sobbing wails came from both manly men and the girls looked on stunned.

Bella strode over to Edward and gingerly removed the trash from the front of his pants and patted his face. "Edward, what the hell happened in here?"

"Why are you here?" Edward looked like a little boy lost as he peered at Bella.

"We thought you could use some company, and after our spa day, we came up here."

Edward looked down at her, tears in his eyes and stumbled over his words. "You…and…food..and cooler, lifesaver…and…cookies and cheese ….shit…brownies." He used his hand to wipe the snot off his face and sat down at the table.

Bella looked closer at him, peering into his eyes. "Edward…are you…..oh fuck…you are stoned."

Jasper found his voice at that moment and looked accusingly at Bella. "It's your fault Bella. You spiked the God damn brownies." He stood up, ready for battle.

Alice came down from her anger stupor over the condition of the cabin and interrupted. "Have you lost your ever lovin' mind Jas? Bella didn't spike any _**God damn brownies**_…I was there when she made them, as was Renee. We haven't had any pot since college. What is the matter with you? Fess up you idiot."

Clarity sobered up Edward and Jasper, and light bulbs went off in Bella and Alice's head all at once.

They all looked at each other, Bella speaking first…but only to herself. "Oh shit…she didn't…no…couldn't have…wouldn't…uh uh…I didn't leave that brownie batter for longer than…oh fuck…I did…."

She turned to Alice, eyes wide. "Alice…I made that batter and let it rest. Remember? Then we sat on the porch for a few minutes and mom wasn't with us….._**remember**_?"

Alice stood there nodding, eyes just as wide, not saying a word.

"Your mother spiked the brownies?" Edward was astounded.

"She had to have Edward. Where are they? The brownies, where are they?"

"We ate them all." Edward pointed to the empty tin sitting on the table.

"Shit. Edward, that was a triple batch. You didn't taste anything funny? No odd grassy texture on your tongue?"

"Nope, not a thing." Jasper walked over to the table and took a seat. "They were smooth Bella. We didn't notice anything until the blurry vision took over and the giggles set in."

Alice came and sat on Jasper's lap, still speechless. She didn't think Renee would be capable of doing anything so devious. Sure Renee was a hippietype, but to knowingly spike brownies?

"Bella, you have to call her. Can your phone get a signal up here?"

Bella pulled her phone from her jeans and opened it. Sure enough, there were bars across the top. "I'll settle this."

Renee answered on the third ring. "What's up Bella.?"

"I know what you did mother," Bella sneered, "and I find it very shitty behavior."

Renee gasped, taken aback. "What did I do Bella?"

"You put pot in the brownies. When I wasn't looking. How in the hell did you do it?"

Renee chuckled, relived. She thought she had done something really bad. "Oh that…..I ground the buds into powder and added it. Simple really."

"But you knew who those brownies were for mom. Why the hell would you do something like that?"

"Those boys have sticks up their asses…they needed a release. I gave it to them. It's perfectly safe dear, just a little _**happy** _ while they are on the _**trail**_."

"Are you serious!...MOM…what the fuck has gotten into you?"

"Grow up Bella. A little weed never hurt any one and you know as well as I that they weren't gonna be doing any fishing anytime soon. They needed something to ease the boredom they were surely up against this fishing trip."

"You had no right mother. _**No right**_."

"Are they hurt?"

"No."

"Is the cabin still standing?"

"Yes."

"Well then, my job here is done. Love you Bella. Enjoy the rest of your trip at the cabin." With that, Renee hung up and Bella sat there staring at her phone.

"Well, that solves that mystery." Jasper looked over at Bella and laughed. "No harm, no foul. We'll clean up the mess and Edward will clean up his feet and all will be good. Besides, you two are here now…..and that makes it all worth while."

Alice smiled at Jasper and kissed him.

Bella and Edward looked at each other and shook their heads. "Your mother."

"My mother."

"Well, first things first. I need a shower." Edward started down the hall to their bedroom. "I'm a dirty boy Bella. You may have to help me."

Bella followed Edward down the hall. "Dirty boy indeed."

**A/N**

**There it be….May our Prodigal ATS come home….SOON!**

**XXOO's **

**MW2**


	7. Chapter 7

**It's official. I. Am. Bored. I've cleaned my house, washed all the sheets in my linen closet (I'm serious…I did), cooked a lovely spaghetti supper and am currently sitting on my ass with a Mango Rum and Juice and writing my friggin' fingies off. Who knows where my brain will be in a few hours, but until then….I'm gonna keep posting these suckers….ATS…GET YOUR ARSE HOME…..Vaca is OVER…..*giggles***

**SM owns all Twilight related things. I just own a bag of skittles.**

**Chapter Seven:**

**Jasper and Alice:**

**Orange Skittles**

"Blue...red...yellow...oh...oh man..orange." Jasper sat in his car in the school parking lot, waiting for Alice. Anyone walking by wouldn't know what he was doing or why...but Jasper knew.

Jasper knew that if he ate enough orange skittles, his mouth would taste like Alice's favorite flavor when she got in the car...and if his mouth tasted like oranges, she would give him a kiss. Not just any kiss, but a _kiss. _He had picked through 24 snack size bags of Skittles in the hour and half he had been waiting on her.

As he looked up from his latest bag, Jasper saw the sun coming out from behind the clouds. "Ohhh Thank Fuck. She won't be wimpy about her hair now...the rain has stopped." Jasper got out of the car to stretch his legs a bit before Alice came out.

As he put his feet on the ground, they slid causing him to look down. Jasper sheepishly chuckled and looked at the 400 or so multicolored Skittles melting on the pavement. He quickly shuffled them under the car so Alice wouldn't know.

"Why in the hell do I do this...everyday I do this..." Jasper waited on Alice everyday after school for the allotted time because the drama club had play practice. He hated sitting inside that stuffy auditorium, so he slinked to his car at precisely 2:45 pm Monday through Friday to pick through Skittles and wait on the raven haired beauty that could kiss like no body's business.

That thought of those kisses, reminded Jasper why he waited everyday and he blushed. "Man...what that girl does to me."

"What does that girl do to you?"

"She gives me the best kisses this side of the Mississippi"

"Oh really...and tell me, how many kisses have you had to compare hers with?"

"Tons. I am a Greek God."

Alice lit up with laughter and ran to close the distance between herself and Jasper. "Kiss me you fool" she said dramatically.

Jasper had a lil drama of his own to put forth. "Be my pleasure maam".

After a satisfying kiss, Jasper walked around to the passenger side and opened Alice's door. "Your chariot awaits madam."

"You are a nut Jazz" Alice replied. "And you have orange teeth."

**A/N**

**Gotta love a man who would eat skittles before kissing his woman. True Dat.**

**XXOO**

**MW2**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hahahahahaha….since we took Jasper and Edward on a weed adventure, it only seems fitting that Emmett be included this one…**

**My mind is gone peeps….who the hale knows where I'll go with the next one.**

**Stephanie Meyers owns all Twilight things….I'm just messing with them at this moment.**

**Chapter Eight:**

**Edward, Jasper AND Emmett:**

**Tweezers **

"Dude...he still snoring?"

"Yep...hey...oh man...you know what we talked about before...we should do it man..." Jasper snickered and lost his balance, almost falling over.

"Oh man...this is a golden opp dude...we can't pass this up...hurry, go get them" Edward kept one eye on Emmett, asleep on the futon, and the other on Jasper as he tried to stay upright.

"Hurry dude...he could wake at any moment...with the munchies...you know how he gets." Edward tried to hurry Jasper along, but when Jasper was high...it was hard to do.

"I'm goin...I'm goin..." Jasper stumbled toward the bathroom and came back a few minutes later.

"Here...oh man...Edward...we are gonna have to be no where insight when Em wakes up...dude...this is gonna be a clusterfuck when he notices..." Jasper couldn't stand up straight anymore and collapsed in the beanbag chair.

Edward took the tweezers in his hand and quietly walked over to Emmett. He couldn't understand why both Em and Jasper had a hard time handling weed. _Geesh, you'd think they smoked a pound of it the way they both act when they're high._

Edward never really had a hard time with it, he never got the munchies, never lost sense of who he was and never got any paranoia. He just mellowed out. Jasper on the other hand, became a klutz, barely able to keep himself upright and Emmett fell asleep like a baby for about an hour, then awoke with a rabid hunger.

Edward took a look back at Jasper and then bent over Emmett. The tweezers were some magical super tool Bella had left in Edward's bathroom last time she was here. They were like steroid tweezers, able to take out multiple hairs at one time...he found it intriguing when he watched her do it...just a grab, a flick of her wrist...and waaalaaa...no more hair. She had used it on her bikini line after the waxing missed some hairs...but damn...it was painful...her grimace and grunt told him that.

He carefully locked a group of hairs on Emmett's right eyebrow and pulled...hard and quick. Edward then jumped back and got ready to run in case it woke Emmett up.

Two seconds...five seconds...fifteen seconds and Emmett did not move. Edward got bold and bent over him again. He grouped another allotment of hair and pulled just as quickly as the first time.

Nothing...no movement, no grimace, no squirm came from Emmett. "Damn...that boy will sleep through anything." Edward said in awe. Edward bent over one last time to group the remaining hair in the tweezers. He ripped them out as quickly as the others and then shuffled back behind the chair Jasper occupied. "How in the hell does that boy sleep through that..it can't have been painless?"

"Dude...he's solid...he's a man's man...he fears no pain" Jasper cracked up at himself and Edward rolled his eyes.

Edward went to his bathroom to hide the tweezers before Emmett woke up and then he and Jasper sat and waited and watched.

Two hours later, Emmett woke, with a hunger that would outshine a bear. As he sat up, he wiped his hands over his eyes and yawned. Emmett looked around, confused. He then wiped his hand over his right eyebrow...scrunched his nose in puzzlement and wiped it over the eyebrow again.

Emmett made a move toward the mirror hanging over the mantle and when he saw it, he screamed. Big, girly, freaked out screams. "What the Fuck...Oh MY God...my eyebrow...dudes...my eyebrow...where is it...it's just...gone."

Edward and Jasper tried hard to look surprised, in fact, Jasper let the paranoia of weed use take over and started theorizing.

"Oh man...you think it was the weed...oh shit...that means next your pubes are gonna fall out I bet...damn I knew we shouldn't have bought that shit."

Edward took the ball in play and rolled with it. "Dude..oh man...Em...did you eat a banana before you fell asleep...I heard once that weed and banana's consumed at the same time will make your hair fall out."

Emmett looked at the offending right eyebrow...then the left...then he pulled his hair up and examined his hairline. Next, he pulled his short waistline out and looked at the hair there.

"Guys, what the hell am I gonna do?" Emmett was trying to maintain, but this was hard. His hair was manly...he was manly...one needed hair to be manly...Emmett wanted his hair back on that eyebrow.

Jasper, ever the friendly roomie, helped him out. "Oh dude...wait...I got it...use Rose's eyebrow pencil thing and color it in...no one will ever know..." He sat up in the chair happy with his advice. "There...problemo solved."

Emmett nodded his head seriously. "Ya...that may work." He ran to his bedroom in search of the eye pencil.

As he was drawing his eyebrow back on, Bella came in the front door. "Edward...hey...Edward..." she called.

Edward came around the corner and smiled at her...then he lit up with a grin...then he laughed out loud...hard. "Hey baby...what's up?"

"I can't find my tweezers...I think I left them here." She replied. "I'm just gonna go look in your bathroom."

In the meantime, Emmett came out with his newly penciled in eyebrow. Edward and Jasper acted like it was great...that you couldn't tell anything. This gave Emmett confidence and he sat down to play Xbox.

Bella emerged from Edward's bath, tweezers in hand and a puzzled look on her face. "Edward...why do these tweezers have hair in them?"

Jasper left the room quietly, locking himself in his bedroom. Edward looked over at Emmett to see if he heard. He had. Bella then looked at Emmett and again at her tweezers.

Lightbulbs went off at the same time for both Emmett and Bella, and Edward paled, swallowing hard. "You son of a bitch, when I get my hands..." was all Edward heard as he ran out of the house and down the street screaming like a little girl.

**A/N**

**A mind is a dangerous thing to waste, and I'm putting mine to use….good use?... 'meh….IDK, but it's friggin' fun.**

**XXOO **

**MW2**


	9. Chapter 9

**Gotta put Rosalie in here with Emmett…another twist on the tweezer thing….this shit just had to come out…LMAO..ok..**

**SM owns it all..yada..yada…yada…**

**Chapter Nine:**

**Emmett and Rosalie:**

**Tweezers**

"Ah man...c'mon..."

"I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important Emmett"

"But...God...man...no...I can't...uh uh...just can't"

"Emmett, I need your help, it will only take a moment...now come over here and help me." Rosalie was passed pissed at this point and her stink eye proved it.

"Can't you get one of the girls to help you Rosie?...It's not..." Emmett struggled for the right words to use without pissing off his love even more than she was, but he was 100% man, and this was definitely something a man would do...even if it was for someone else.

"If the girls were anywhere near me, I wouldn't have asked you dipshit. Now. Come. Here." Rosalie's temper was volatile on a good day, and quite frankly, Emmett liked her feisty, but this...this mood she was in right now?...he would regret it more if he didn't help.

"Fine, but if you say one word to anyone..."

"Emmett McCarty, don't you threaten me! Either you help me now...or I will call Esme and tell her exactly what you did the other night with Stinky."

"Rosie...that's just mean spirited...that right there was just plain mean." Emmett's shoulders slunk down just a bit, fear starting to overtake his good nature. _If that ever got out about me feeding Stinky from my mouth...oh man...I don't even really like that dog...but if she tells about that...and the kisseyface with Stinky...I am toast. They will never let me live it down._ _Everyone knows I am a MAN...not a dog kissing wussy...well shit._

_"_Emmett...I'm counting, and you have 3 seconds to get your ass over here and help me."

"Fine!" With an exaggerated sigh, Emmett walked into the bathroom and over to where Rosalie stood, backside to the mirror, looking over her shoulder trying to see something. "Give me the damn tweezers then...let's get this over with, and if you EVER say anything about it...I will tell what you watch first thing every morning..." _Yea...that outta shut her up for a bit._

_"_Just DO it Em...I won't say a word...why the hell would I anyway?...who the fuck wants to know that you had to pluck an ingrown hair out of my ass cheek?" _Geesh what a dipshit he is...and I'ma thinking if he even DARES tell that I watch Bob the Builder every morning I will junk punch him..._

Emmett bent over a bit to see the problem and smiled a bit. Rose was in a very vulnerable position...a position which he could take advantage of...if he wanted to...he outweighed her by at least 100 lbs...Emmett hesitated for just a moment, and Rosalie caught on quickly.

"So help me God Emmett, if you are thinking of anything but getting that damn hair out, I will make your life miserable."

"Ok..OK...Ready?..." Emmett found the offending hair and swiftly plucked it out. _God that was nasty and interesting at the same time. _"There...done. May I be excused now?" Emmett tossed the tweezers on the counter and started toward the door.

"Emmett?..." Rosalie looked up at him, "Thank you. I'd never tell anyone about your dog loving ways baby."

"It's ok Rose...I'd never tell about your Bob the Builder fetish either." Emmett winked and turned toward the door but wasn't fast enough, and as the soap dispenser hit him in the head he chuckled and muttered. "That's my feisty woman."

**A/N**

**Me finks me has one more in me before I gotta get more rum….hang I there.**

**XXOO**

**MW2**


	10. Chapter 10

**Ding Dong…..I'm baaaaaccccckkkkkk. *takes a big slurp of rum and juice* So…you still with me? Ok then….**

**SM owns all Twilight material. (how many times do I hafta say it in a story?)**

**Chapter Ten:**

**Bella and Edward:**

**Meat**

"Hey baby...I was just calling to see what you wanted for supper tonight. Call me back when you get this message. Hopefully it will be soon...I'm at the store right now." Bella hung up her cell phone and meandered down the cereal aisle looking for Edward's Captain Crunch. _Silly man-boy with his __**don't touch my cereal**__ habit _she mused.

She finished the rest of her grocery shopping, with only the meat department left and Edward still hadn't called. "Okay buddy...guess it's my choice then." Bella perused the meat department's selection of port and chicken. Nothing sounded good to her at the moment. She wondered why? She hadn't eaten since breakfast, she should be famished.

After looking at beef cuts, and adding some to her cart, she once again went over to the chicken. Bella chose two packages and then moved onto the fish. She selected some Orange Roughy and then went down to the pork section. "Oh...hmmm...sausage...I haven't had a good sausage in..." Bella giggled as the innuendo caught up with her. "Well...since 7am this morning!". She giggled as she selected both the bulk sausage and some links. As she was putting them in her cart, she looked over and saw possible the biggest tenderloin she'd ever seen. The price was right, and well, she could have the butcher cut it up for several meals.

She picked it up, and maneuvered her way back to the counter, signaling the butcher's attention.

"Excuse me...could you split this up into two roasts about 2 lbs each and 3 sets of slices, about an inch thick with four slices each set?"

"Will do maam. Can you wait here? It won't take but a moment." The butcher was washing his hands as he talked to her and then donned a new pair of latex gloves. He took the package from her and laid it upon a table separate from the one he was just working at.

As he opened the package, the excess blood hit Bella's nostrils. It made her shake just a bit. _What the hell was that? _She wondered as she watched him make the first cut down through the tenderloin. With the next cut, the raw meat and fat smells also reached her nose, and nausea overtook her. Bella swallowed the bile back down and tried to remain calm and collected.

The butcher quickly finished the cuts and began packaging the meat. He looked up at Bella for a moment and gave a gentle chuckle. He motioned to the air freshener stand over by the doorway behind the counter. "Just spray that in the direction away from me, and breathe it in a bit. You'll be ok. I'm almost done."

_Ah...I must not be the only one then...he's prepared. _Bella thought as she grabbed the can and sprayed. "Whew...ok, better." she said as she turned to the Butcher with a smile, grateful for his help.

"Aww...it's ok ma'am. Lots of ladies in your predicament can't stand the smell of the raw meat. When my wife was that way, I had to shower before coming home. No biggie. Do you feel better?"

"Ermmm...What predicament sir?" Bella was puzzled.

"Well, in the ...you're...you know...in the family way." The butcher replied, a blush rising on his modest cheeks.

"Oh..." Bella giggled. "I'm not pregnant, at least not yet, but thank you for your concern. I must just be coming down with something. I didn't eat lunch, so maybe that's it...I don't know."

The butcher looked her up and down for a moment, and then looked directly in her face. None of the looks were of a sexual nature, in fact, it was all rather "fatherly". He pursed his lips and wrinkled his brow. "Say...you ever been queasy with raw meat before?"

"No, ...no I haven't." Bella replied.

"You ever skipped lunch before?"

"No"

"You ever had flushed cheekbones and rosy lips before?"

Bella was starting to worry just a bit. "Well, no...not that I recall...why?"

"Well ma'am, I'm just saying, that all these things are true now...and so ask yourself...if you can...but don't tell me, it's none of my business...are you ...um..well...erm...are you late?"

The butcher had a full on red blush with that question, and he hoped like hell she didn't answer out loud. This truly was none of his business, but after 5 children...he knew a pregnant woman when he saw one.

Bella replayed all he had said in her mind, thinking while absent mindedly picking up the cuts of meat to place in her cart. _Huh...now that I think about it...um...wow...maybe? Should I get a ...hmmmm..._

"Thank you sir", she said as she rolled her cart away from the counter and towards the check out aisle. As she neared it, Health and Beauty Aids came into view, as did the pregnancy tests.

Bella didn't want to get her hopes up, but there they were...right there, within reach. She chose 3 and proceeded to the check out.

Bella drove home barely paying attention and almost missed the stop sign. Once home, she unloaded the groceries and put everything away, except the fish. Fish didn't make her queasy, so this was a good bet for supper. She prepared the fish, and added a side dish of rice and a Greek salad to complete the evening meal.

Once everything was in the oven, she took a break and took a deep breath. She pulled out all three tests and read the instructions. Seeing they were all basically the same, she moved with determination to the bathroom.

Bella heard Edward come in as she was finishing peeing on the last stick. It was kinda tricky, as she had to put a stick in her stream, pull it out fast and grab another to repeat all before the stream of urine stopped. Bella was good at multi-tasking, though...so it worked.

Edward called to her and she yelled out where she was. "Babe...you ok in there?...I smell Orange Roughy. I think it's almost done, you want me to pull it out of the oven?"

"Um...ya, then could you come here please?"

"What's wrong...are you ok?" Edward's voice carried fear in it. Bella assured him she was fine, and in moments, he was back at the door, opening it.

"Hey...what's going on honey? Are you sick?"

"No...um...nope. Not sick. Just...well..." Bella didn't know how to say it...she had always imagined a grand gesture, with a meal and a card, perhaps an early ultrasound, and after she announced it, Edward would whisk her upstairs and make tender, passionate love to her. _Well...so much for "romantic" _She thought.

"Um...baby...can you look at these sticks for me?" Bella handed him the sticks she had been hiding when he came in.

"Sure...what are they for?" Edward looked at them for a moment, and it dawned on him what they were.

"Are you...these say...I'm gonna be a ...You're gonna be a ...OH MY GOD BELLA WE'RE PREGNANT!"

Edward swooped down and plucked Bella off the toilet seat, pants around her ankles and carried her back to the bedroom.

"Edward...wait...my pants..."

"You're not gonna need them right now baby..." he said as he laid her on the bed and closed the door.

"What...hey...supper...what are you..."

"Shhhh...baby...I'm making love to my wife...my pregnant wife...the one that's carrying MY child...she can eat when I'm done." Edward grinned at her and shut the door.

**A/N**

**I think I gots one more in me before I gotta get more rum.**

**XXOO**

**MW2**


	11. Chapter 11

**Couldn't resist a chance for some Daddy and Nessa time….**

**Enjoy the vast desert that is my mind…..**

**SM owns all Twilight shizz…still…to this day…always.**

**Please remember to be kind...these are seriously un-beta'ed...  
**

**Chapter Eleven: **

**Edward and Nessa:**

**Mudpuddles**

No...no Nessa NO!" Edward ran toward the little girl teetering on the edge of the sidewalk, hoping like hell to get to her in time.

Nessa turned toward her daddy and smiled, then took a step into the yard and slid. Nessa soon became tangled in her own feet and tumbled over into the largest mud puddle Edward had ever seen.

"Shit." Edward stopped just a few feet in front of her and threw his hands in the air.

"Sit!" Nessa copied back. "Sit...Sit...SIT...SIT DADDY!"

Edward knew better than to cuss in front of her. Nessa was in _copy what you say_ mode. At least this one didn't sound bad, and it actually matched what she was doing in the mud anyway.

As he plucked her out of the mud by the back of her dress and stood her up on the sidewalk, Edward surveyed the damaged. It wasn't good. Bella would be down in about 10 minutes and she would see. This he feared more than anything.

Nessa was covered head to toe in the brown gooey stuff. She even had it in her nostrils. There was no way to disguise, fix it or do anything other than give her another bath. Herein lay the dilemma. If Edward picked her up, he too then would need a bath. He couldn't carry her upstairs by the back of her dress. _What to do...what to do...?_

Edward was more than a little ticked at Bella for scheduling pictures today anyway. The season opener for the Mariners was on TV this afternoon, and he really didn't want to miss it. He wouldn't be able to see it tonight, as they had plans to go out. _What to do...what to do?_ Edward pondered this a bit more and then his eyes lit up.

"Nessa...stay there...right there." Edward called to his little girl. She was a beauty, that one...all the best parts of both Bella and Edward. She had his copper hair, but Bella's curls. She had his nose and mouth, but Bella's eyes and alabaster skin. All 2 foot ornery girl of her was perfect. At almost 2 years old, she was a handful. Ever curious...like today.

Edward ran to the side of the house and grabbed the hose. "It's a tad chilly, but if I can clean her off quickly, then I can hold her better to get in the house" he said out loud to himself, reassured that he was doing the right thing.

"Nessa...look at daddy baby girl...see what daddy has?"

"Ose...daddy...OSE!" Nessa pointed to the hose and clapped her hands. Edward turned it to the shower setting and aimed at her.

"Ready? Let's see if daddy can get you clean." Edward carefully shot the water at her, making sure the spray wasn't too hard. Nessa giggled as it hit her in the arms and tummy. His goal was to get most of it off and then take her in the house, only having to replace his coat jacket.

"Fun daddy...FUN!" Nessa yelled out as the water continued to wash her over. Then it wasn't fun anymore..."oooooohhhhh daddy...OLD...OLD..." Nessa little lips turned almost blue and Edward quickly turned off the hose and ran the few steps for her.

"There, I got you little one...let's go get a warm bath quickly." Edward said as he took his suit coat off and wrapped it around her.

"Brrrr...daddy...OLD...oh OLD daddy" Nessa said, her little lips were chattering.

Edward started to pivot on the sidewalk to turn for the house and lost his footing. In a slow motion, moment of horror, he tumbled down into the mud...with Nessa still in his arms. He clung to his daughter so she would be safe and buffered, but they were still going down.

As he sat still for a moment, making sure they were both ok, Edward reflected just how bad this situation was. The photographer was due in less than 10 minutes. Nessa and he both needed a full bath and new clothing. Bella would be beyond pissed..._Kinda serves her right though...my game is gonna be on._

"ha...daddy essy!" Nessa shouted. "Yup, daddy is messy too baby girl...just. like. you!" he touched her nose with his mud covered finger.

"Say there you two, let's say we get started now." Emmett had arrived. Edward's brother was "commissioned" by Bella to take some family photos. Emmett was a wildlife photographer for National Geographic, family portraits never his thing, but he couldn't say no to Bella...ever.

"Emmett...um...you have to help me hide Nessa...and we have to get her cleaned up...and back down here, before Bella sees."

"Oh hale no my brother...I say we take advantage of what may never happen again,...I know this because once Bella sees, you will never be left with Nessa...SO!...let's get some really great shots..." Emmett snorted. "Hell Edward, this is actually perfect...I take pictures of things in the wild, and ...well...Nessa looks pretty wild right now." He laughed at his own joke until Nessa repeated him.

"ELL Em...ELL...ELL...ELL..." Nessa slapped the muddy water with her palms, flicking Edward in the face with it.

"Ok...um...what do you want us to do then?" Edward asked.

"Just be natural. Wildlife it its natural habitat." Emmett said back. "Nessa, make a mudpie."

"Pie?" Nessa asked? "Me pie!" she called and started to get out of the mud, Emmett clicking away the whole time. Nessa lost her footing and fell back in, splashing Edward's front again.

They took pictures for about 1/2 hour, until Nessa's teeth started chattering, and she had had enough. Emmett was laughing the whole time, but the shots he got were gonna be amazing...he just knew it. Mudpies and giggles, Mud slopped on Edward's hair, Nessa sitting on his lap, giving him butterfly kisses. By the time they were done, you could only see the whites of their eyes.

"Ok little one, we have got to get clean." Edward looked down into his baby girl's face and smiled. Though not intentional, this was the perfect spring day to enjoy...well...spring. He heard the shutter click one last time and looked up to see Emmett smiling back at him.

"Perfect daddy and me pic right there bud."

"I bet it was Em...Ok, help me distract Bella so we can get her in the house and cleaned up."

"Mission Impossible, but I'm game." Emmett replied.

They both looked to the house for signs of life and didn't see any. They didn't see any, because Bella was quietly hiding behind the curtains in the kitchen watching. She smiled as she watched, sipping her tea. She decided the pantry needed cleaning out..."that will give them time to get in and to the basement for showers." she said out loud to no one but herself.

As she re organized the pantry, her phone rang. "Hey Esme...what's up?"

"Oh nothing...just wondered if...if it worked?"

"Perfectly."

"Does he suspect anything yet?"

"Nope. Nothing. I'm wondering when it will dawn on him?"

"Well dear, I say let a sleeping dog lie. Are you ready to keep the charade up?"

"As long as it's needed, but maybe Esme, once he realizes it, it will no longer matter."

"True words Bella...true words...So, are you guys coming for the game?"

"Yup. I think we'll be there in about an hour."

"Plenty of time for Edward to get his butt in his favorite seat then."

"As long as the double recliner is free, he will be in heaven Esme. We'll see you then."

"Ok then, bye Bella."

Bella shut her phone and giggled to herself. "Girlie...the best pictures around are not stuffy family portraits, they are mud flingers with a very sexy man, and his very beautiful baby girl. You my dear are a genius."

Bella left the pantry and went upstairs to change her clothes for the game. She set out Edward's lucky jersey and the rest of his clothes and then went onto Nessa's room to get things ready for her. She then quietly tiptoed back down to the kitchen and sat at the counter, reading a magazine while she waited.

**A/N**

**OK boys and girls….this concludes story time for the evening, as I am out of rum and juice, and my fingers are falling off.**

**Catch ya later!**

**XXOO**

**MW2**


	12. Chapter 12

**Hello people! I am back from Spring Break and have some catching up to do I see. _Whew!_ MW2 is a writing freak, as you can see. I don't know how I will ever be able to keep up.**

**Anyway, here is my contribution to this crazy writing game. Enjoy.**

**ATS xxxooo**

**Disclaimer: It's all SM's, we know this.**

**Not Beta'd**

**Rose and Esme - Basket**

"Did you remember the strawberries?"

"Yes, Rose, I remembered the strawberries. You gave me one thing to do, _buy the chocolate covered strawberries_...I bought the damn strawberries."

"Don't get snippy with me, Esme. I have been working my ass off to make this weekend happen. If the strawberries aren't there, then the weekend isn't perfect."

"Alright, alright...I got it, your strawberries have been purchased. I am looking at them right now, they are in a white box in the fridge. Now when are you going to be here, Carlisle and I need to leave by six thirty if we are going make it in time for our flight."

"I'm on my way out the door now, I'll be there in an hour."

"Okay, well in case you don't get here before we leave..."

"I will."

"Well in case you don't..."

"Esme, I will. Now, goodbye. See you in a bit."

"But..."

Rose hung up the phone before Esme could finish talking.

"Geesh..._mother-in-laws_." Rose huffed and rolled her eyes.

Grabbing her car keys and the picnic basket she planned on using for her afternoon with Emmett, Rose took one more look around before rushing out of the office.

"Okay, I think I've got everything." She assured herself, and then started out to the reception area.

"Jessica?"

Dropping the Star magazine she was reading and forcing down the mouthful of food currently in her mouth, a startled Jessica looked to her boss.

Rose rolled her eyes and impatiently spoke.

"Need I remind you that I will not be in the office for several days, please don't give me another reason to stress out."

"What? I'm on my break, Rose. I _am_ allowed a break aren't I?"

Looking sternly at her office assistant, Rose took measured breaths in and out to calm herself before speaking.

"Well, call me if you need me. I will keep my cell on me at all times. I don't think Aro will need anything, but if he does...you call me. We can't afford to fuck up that case."

"Yeah, yeah...I got it, Rose. Now get going already. You and Emmett deserve this little escape more than anybody I know. Go enjoy yourselves and don't worry about anything here, Mike and I can handle it."

It took her a minute but Rose finally managed a smile.

"Thanks Jess."

Just as she was about to walk out the door, though, the office phone rang. Rose just knew the universe was out to get her as she heard Jessica say,

"Why yes she is, Aro, let me connect you."

Jessica looked at her boss' defeated face with sympathy and mouthed, "sorry".

Rose went back to her office to speak to the bane of her existence at the moment, Aro volturi.

Thirty minutes later, Rose was finally pulling onto the highway and headed towards Forks. Somewhere in the bottom of her purse she could hear the distinct sound of her cell phone, but she simply didn't have the time to dig for it.

"Shit, Emmett is going to get there before me and the whole thing will be ruined." She looked longingly at the beautiful picnic basket sitting next to her in the passengers seat and sighed. It had been quite some time since she and Emmett had some quality alone time. Two kids, one dog and a very demanding job as a lawyer made sure to make it a challenge for them. Bella and Edward offered to stay with the boys for the weekend and Esme planned to go to a medical convention with Carlisle so Rose and Emmett could use their home. It was rare for the planets to align so perfectly, so Rose jumped to take advantage. The whole weekend was planned to perfection. Emmett thought he was coming out to help Esme with the house, always the dutiful son. Knowing that his father would be out of town, he jumped at the chance to help his dear mother. Little did he know it was all a ruse.

Tapping impatiently on the steering wheel, Rose speed on towards Forks.

Back when they were dating, Emmett use to take Rose to a beautiful field at the back of the Cullen property. He would pack a picnic lunch and they would feed eachother chocolate covered strawberries. It was a time when the stresses of real life couldn't interfere. Rose longed for those days when they were younger, for that spark that use to ignite when she and Emmett were together. With each passing year though, that spark seemed to gradually diminish. There was always something else that took priority; the kids, money, the house. A tear slipped from Rose's eye as the thought that she could lose Emmett passed through her mind.

Abruptly wiping the moisture, Rose shook her head in denial.

"Not gonna happen."

This weekend Rose would show her husband just how much needed and still loved him...she was determined to make it perfect.

Pulling into the Cullen's driveway, a time later, all of Rose's hopes seem to deflate instantly.

_Emmett's truck._

"Shit, shit, shit.." Rose repeated as she parked behind the truck and proceeded to bang her head against the steering wheel.

" I'll just have to modify my plan slightly. It's still okay." Rose remained optomistic...that is, until she noticed Esme's car was still in the garage.

"What the fuck?" She wondered.

Glancing down at her purse, Rose remembered that her phone had been ringing. Grabbing the bag she dug through until she found it, checking the display.

_Twenty missed calls. Ten text messages._

"Shit."

The realization that her plans were now ruined hit Rose pretty hard and the tears started flowing. The universe _was_ out to destroy her, she was convinced of it. She couldn't win. Dropping her head to the steering wheel again, she sobbed. Until...

_Knock, knock, knock..._

Rose was startled by the knocking on her car window. Wiping her face and smoothing out her hair, she turned see who it was.

_Esme._

Rose rolled down the window. "Esme, it's all ruined, what am I going to do? I can't believe my plans are ruined, I just wanted to do something nice for my husband. Why is it that nothing seems to go our way?" She continued to sob.

"Shhh..Rose, honey, please stop crying. It's going to be fine."

Rose looked up ready to argue and then noticed two little blonde heads peeking up from the back of Esme's car.

"Wait, what's going on? Why are Riley and Sam here?"

Esme smiled calmly at her and shrugged her shoulders.

"You really do need to answer your cell phone, Rose." Esme said as she patted Rose on the shoulder. " So you didn't get the messages that Edward left you then?"

Rose nodded "no".

"Well apparently Bella has come down with the stomach flu and they couldn't take the boys. Emmett just brought them here with him."

Rose just looked on waiting for her to continue.

"Well, Emmett still doesn't know you're here, it's all still a go. I've stuck the boys in my car and I'm taking them to the water park for the weekend. You guys have fun now okay?"

"But..what about Carlisle and the convention? I thought..."

"Rose, I can go to a damn convention any time I want. It's not ofter that I get the chance to hang out with my two adorable grandsons. Now get in there and surprise your husband already." Esme smiled and winked at Rose.

Rose just looked at her mother-in-law, slack jawed.

"Oh" Esme paused and glanced at the basket in Rose's front seat.

"I don't think you're going to need that basket afterall." She chuckled and started to walk to her car.

Rose was puzzled by her statement but quickly shook it off.

"Wait, Esme!" Rose called as she jumped out of her car and ran to her mother-in-law.

Rose grabbed Esme and hugged her tightly.

"I know I don't say it nearly enough, but thank you."

Esme smiled.

"You really are the best mother-in-law a girl could ask for."

Esme reached out and touched Rose's cheek sweetly.

"I just love you kids so much, it is truly my pleasure. Now get in there and take care of your man."

Rose released Esme and then blew kisses to her little boys, who were too excited to even pay their mother any mind.

"I will. Thanks again, mom."

Rose waved as Esme drove off.

Quietly sneaking into the house, Rose tiptoed towards the room she figured Emmett would be in...

_The kitchen._

She held her hand to her mouth and laughed quietly as she watched him from the doorway.

"Are you going to save some of those for your wife?"

Startled, Emmett dropped the half eaten chocolate covered strawberry and looked at his wife in shock and disbelief.

"What...what are you doing here?" He smiled brightly.

Rose walked seductively towards her husband, never taking her eyes from his face. She grabbed a strawberry and brought it to her lips slowly.

"Surprise." she said, right before taking a slow, deliberate bite.

"_The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry" _Rose thought, but as her husband took her in his arms and carried her up the stairs, she couldn't be bothered to care.

"Plans, schmans." Rose said as she kissed her husband's neck.

Emmett kicked the bedroom door shut, closing the world away.


	13. Chapter 13

**WeWoop….ATS is HOME…she's HOME….home….home..home..home…*dances around in circles***

**SM owns all Twilight stuff. I'm just gonna give Charlie a slight heart attack for the moment….s'all good.**

**Chapter 13:**

**Charlie and Bella:**

**Underwear**

"Thanks dad…." Bella hung up and looked over at a sleeping Edward. She really didn't want to wake him up, but she had to.

"Baby…wake up….Edward…c'mon…wake up."

Edward rolled over on his back and smiled. "Bella, why are you awake so early?" He tried to grab her, but Bella jumped off the bed to avoid his arms. Arms that would want to hold her, snuggle and make love. _Good Lord let me resist him ….just for now._

Bella had no time this morning. They were leaving on vacation this evening, and she had things to do.

Edward frowned and lay back on the pillow. "What's so damn important that you can't give your husband some well deserved loving time?"

"Well, husband….." Bella drew out the word, "If my sexy hunk of manbeast would have fixed the washing machine yesterday like I asked, I wouldn't have to run to Charlie's to do wash right now. Then I'd have time to roll all over this damn bed with you." Bella snickered and turned to walk away.

"Hey…we don't need no stinkin' clothes where we are going for vacation….in fact….I put a ban on any clothing of any kind for the next two weeks. There, solved. Now get your ass back in this bed woman!" Edward raised his eyebrows at Bella and wiggled them.

"Well, it would make going through airport security easier, but seriously….do you want other men in Fiji seeing your playthings up close and personal?"

Edward growled and leapt from the bed, landing like a lion stalking its prey right in front of Bella. "Don't say shit like that Bella…..it makes me territorial." He growled again and grabbed Bella before she could move out of his way.

"You are my prisoner now woman…..off with your clothes!" Edward ripped Bella's panties off and threw her on the bed.

Bella was a fast mover, but Edward was faster. In two shakes of a second, her t-shirt was removed and so were his boxers. Edward nuzzled her neck and breathed in.

"That's more like it you sexy wench. Now pay the ransom and I might let you out of this bed to make me breakfast."

Bella gasped and started to push away. "The hell you say?" Edward knew how to get Bella's dander up in about 2.5 seconds, and he never hesitated to do so.

"Aw….I like me a mighty feisty woman in the morning….get rough baby and …..OUCH..SHIT BELLA!" Edward fell backward, and cupped his ballsack. "Why'd you go and do that for….ouch…I was just playin'."

"I wasn't aiming for your nuts baby….that knee is automatic when some feral, rough looking pirate tries to get me to walk the plank….or sit on it…" Bella rolled over and laughed, not even paying attention to Edward. "Besides, I barely touched you."

Edward looked over at his wife of two years and smiled. He was never so mesmerized as the day he met her in that laundry mat on campus. One shove from her and he was a goner.

"Whatcha smiling bout Eddieboy?" Bella knew Edward liked to get her dander up. She liked to get his up too.

Edward scowled, and scooted over to her, grabbing her again before she could flee. "I'll have you know sugarplumsweetumschnookie….." The sound of a belly raspberry kiss filled the room, "That I was thinking about the day we met."

"What about it?"

"That one shove from you was all it took to make me fall in love." Edward looked up at her with intensity in his eyes that said _**I WIN, **_and much to Bella's delight and pleasure…..he did.

**~TTCK~TTCK~TTCK~**

Two hours and a shower later, the pair was back in the bedroom, tidying up for the quick trip to Charlie's. Edward quickly grabbed all the dirty clothing on the floor and shoved it in the basket, while Bella made the bed. Two kisses and a grope, the customary toll for Edward to let Bella out of the bedroom, and they were in the car.

"What made you think about us meeting at the laundry mat baby?" Bella smiled at her husband. Edward's appearance that day long ago had made her weak in the knees and she was still suffering from that affliction.

"Just looking at you with the sunlight streaming through the window…you are so beautiful Bella." Edward blushed a bit and took Bella's hand in one of his, holding it the rest of the way to Charlie's.

They pulled into Charlie's driveway and Edward shut off the engine, looking over at Bella. "You know, I still can't get over that day, and how much meeting you has changed my life. Bella, that was one of the scariest days of my existence…and also hands down….the best."

Edward leaned over and kissed Bella, sucking gently on her lower lip. He was interrupted from his lip fetish about ten seconds later when a "HEY BOY….!" Sounded from the porch.

Bella giggled and unbuckled. Opening the car door, Charlie grabbed her up out of the car and gave her a big hug. "How's my little girl?" Charlie glanced over at the man who defiled his daughter and frowned. _She's too young for sex. Twenty Six is much…much to young for sex. I should have taken her to that convent._

"I'm fine daddy…we have to hurry though and get this done. Our flight leaves at 7:30 tonight and I've so much yet to do."

"Alright." Charlie begrudgingly stood back and let the kids walk in the door.

Bella started the first load and grabbed a cup of coffee, joining Edward and Charlie at the kitchen table. "Dad, have you eaten yet?"

"Nope. Wasn't hungry. You two eat yet?" Sometimes Charlie was a man of a few words.

"We haven't eaten either. I can make something." Bella rummaged through the refrigerator and found what she needed for omelets. "How about breakfast for lunch then?"

Two "ahhhs" gave Bella the motivation she needed and quickly began preparing a meal.

Charlie made more coffee, and Edward set the table while Bella put the finishing touches on their brunch. Bella sat down and started buttering her toast when a giggle fit overtook her.

"What's your problem young lady?" Charlie peered over his coffee cup.

"Nothing dad, just remembering the first time we all did laundry together, that's all." Edward laughed and Charlie choked on his eggs.

"Don't remind me."

"That was the day Edward and I met dad, you remember."

"Yeah, I do, and I remember something else too." Charlie looked at the couple pointedly and scooped another forkful of eggs. "You about got shot that day Edward. Keep that in mind when you are being loose and free with my daughter." Charlie poked his fork in Edward's direction.

"Aw c'mon dad. It was funny." Bella looked at Edward and wiggled her eyebrows, waiting for his response.

"It was sexy baby…..funny…maybe, after you proved your dad didn't have a gun on him that day, but it was sexy Bella." Edward didn't give a rat's ass what Charlie did anymore, he wasn't afraid of the man. Besides, he had Bella to hide behind.

"I can't believe you two." Charlie's eyes opened wide in astonishment. "That was not sexy. It almost gave me a coronary." He stared off into space for a moment, remembering exactly what he did not want to remember.

_Charlie had been up to see Bella at U-Dub for the first weekend of her sophomore year. She talked him into going to the laundry mat with her by promising him take out afterwards._

_Bella had put her clothes in the washer and started it when a punk kid with copper hair sticking out in all directions came in and started the washer next to Bella's._

_Charlie's territorial-protectiveness came to life, roaring inside his head. "Bella, do you want a soda?" Charlie knew Bella didn't drink soda, but he had to assert himself in the picture before that punk ass kid said something._

_The boy smiled and kept putting his clothes in the washer, over filling it._

"_Here…let me help." Bella opened another washer and put some from the first into the second. "You can't over load the washer, or your clothes will stay dirty. Where's your detergent?"_

_The boy looked at her like she hung the moon, the stars in his eyes made Charlie worried, then mad as that punk spoke. "I…um…left it in the car I think." That boy blushed, and Charlie knew…just knew it was all a ploy to get in his baby girl's underwear. _

"_Oh, well, just use some of mine then. Is that alright?" Bella looked up at the kid and her knees shook. Charlie slapped his hand to his face and rubbed vigorously._

"_Bella, I'm sure the fellow…"_

"_It's alright dad. I've got plenty." Bella smiled up at the boy again and showed him how to measure the liquid and then let him do his other load._

_Charlie grabbed Bella by the elbow and took her down to the row of chairs at the front of the building. "Bells….you just can't speak to anyone you know. It's dangerous. You still got your pepper spray?"_

"_Dad…I'm grown up now…and it's fine. You've made your presence known….no man is gonna even look at me like that let alone speak to me with you here." Bella humphed a little bit and looked over to where the boy was standing._

"_I'm tellin' ya Bella….that boy is up to no good. I can see it in his eyes."_

"_Eyes schmeyes" was Bella's reply._

_Charlie went out to the car for a minute and by the time he got back into the building, that boy was sitting next to his Bella…and he was touching her hair…God damn him…_

_Bella saw her dad and jumped out of the chair. She pretended to check her laundry and snuck glances at the boy._

_Soon, all the washing was done, and it was time for the dryer. Bella transferred her clothes and closed the door, depositing money in the slots. She turned to the boy and he was watching her like one would the fireworks at Fourth of July display….totally in awe._

_She blushed and sat down at the chairs again, head down and smiling._

_The boy put his clothes in the dryer and started them. He looked down and found something he on the floor. His eyes glazed over as he realized what they were and he gingerly touched them. Bella saw none of this, but Charlie did, and he was incensed. _

_Before Charlie could get to that nasty ass boy, the boy was in the seat next to Bella, showing her the item._

"_Are these yours?"_

_Bella looked up and her eyes got wide and she giggled. "Yes they are. I'm sorry….shit…awkward."_

"_Why awkward? They're pretty panties. Pretty panties that belong to a pretty girl. Would you think I'm awful if I told you that I've wanted to rip panties like this from your body since the moment you helped me with my washer?" The boy chose that moment to emphasize his point by holding up Bella's unmentionables and ripping them in half._

_Bella shuddered and stared at him, disbelief and lust written across her face. A few moments later, realization set in. That boy had wasted a perfectly good pair of expensive underwear. "What the hell?" She shot up out of her chair and shoved him hard. Hard enough for the boy to fall out of the chair and onto the floor, panty pieces flying everywhere._

_Charlie ran to her at that moment and pulled her behind him, eyes locked on the boy sprawled on the floor. "Stay down bud. I will knock the living shit out of you if you get up. Stay away from Bella. Don't look at her, don't speak to her, don't touch anything that belongs to her…ever."_

_Charlie tried to hustle Bella out of the laundry mat and she stopped. "Dad…calm down"_

"_What? No..Bella come on. I'll get your things, just get in the car."_

"_No..dad…hey…DAD!" Bella stomped her dad's foot and looked at him._

"_Bella, that guy is a perv. Come on."_

"_Edward is not a pervert dad. He's in my economics class. I never spoke to him before today, but I know who he is. Pervert is not on his list of "what I am", trust me."_

_Bella rushed over to Edward and helped him get back into the chair. Charlie watched as the two of them stared at each other like it was their last meal._

_He walked over to Bella, and demanded an explanation. "Dad, meet Edward. Edward… my dad." Bella threw her thumb over her shoulder to point to Charlie. "Dad, I'm not mad he touched my un-mentionables" Bella put her hands in the air quote motion. "I'm mad he ripped an expensive pair, which was exactly what he was supposed to do."_

_Charlie was blown away. His girl…with un mentionables….being touched…by a pervert….and she liked it._

"_Excuse me sir?..." Edward stood up and held out his hand to Charlie. "The panties…" _

"_Do not say panties in my presence boy. You are walking a thin line."_

"_Oh..um…the un-mentionables….It was part of econ class. I was supposed to pick someone, go to where they were, secure something from them and ruin it….all to gage and chart the reaction one has when their material things are taken away. I'm sorry it was Bella's ..um…her..un-mentionables, but we are in a laundry mat, and they were right there in front of me."_

_Edward ran his hands through his hair and waited….and waited…and waited…_

"_What the fuck kind of class has you do that for an assignment?"_

_Bella interrupted. "Econ dad. I did it to you last night with that magazine you bought…remember?"_

_Charlie didn't like it. At. All. The boy had secured an alibi but it was poppycock as far as Charlie was concerned. _

"_I don't know anything about Econ…but I'm watching you boy."_

_Edward grinned to Charlie and winked. He was more interested in Charlie's daughter…._

Charlie roused himself from the memory and frowned at the kids. "You two are perverts you know that? Good lord…perverts…and it's all your fault Edward. You corrupted my little girl. Ripping a girl's underwear for a class…class my ass…how many pairs since that day have you ripped you lothario…wait..don't answer that."

The washer buzzed, signaling it was done. Bella got up to shift the clothes over. "Dad…you have socks and a few kitchen towels in the dryer. What do you want me to do with them?"

"Oh…I'll come and get them." Charlie got up almost too fast for a man with only socks and dish towels in his dryer, and it made Edward wonder why…..so he followed him.

"Wait Bella…let me get those; you shouldn't have to muck around in my laundry."

"It's ok dad, could even fold the few that …"

Charlie pushed her out of the way gingerly and opened the dryer door. Edward wrinkled his forehead in thought and caught Bella's attention. Their silent exchange went unnoticed by Charlie.

Charlie pulled his hands out of the dryer, with all his socks and towels neatly bound together, and held tightly to his chest.

"Dad, there's a basket right here….you wanna put those in it?" Bella raised one eyebrow wondering what the hell was going on.

"Nah..I'm good. Say, I'll just get out of your way here…" Charlie backed out of the laundry room and swiftly moved to the living room. "Don't worry bout me guys, I'll just fold them here, while I watch TV."

"Charlie?...Charlie…..hey…you didn't finish your plate." Edward started out the laundry room door and saw something on the floor by the kitchen table. He stooped to pick them up.

"Bella…honey, are these…." The piece of shredded material was quickly swiped from his fingers and Edward spun around to find himself nose to nose with a mortified Charlie.

"If you value your puny life, you will not say a word…..you got me kid?" Charlie was seven shades of red….redder than the women's panties he was holding.

"Not on your life old man…this is too damn good to pass up, and what are you hiding for Charlie? You're a grown up. You are allowed to have …um….well, by the looks of those panties, some _**rip**_-roarin' sex." Edward busted out laughing and walked back toward the laundry room.

"Bella…hey…honey….you are never gonna…..OOMPH" Edward was tackled from behind and Charlie warned him once more.

"Last warning buddy. I will make your life a living hell from now to eternity. Do. Not. Tell. Her." Charlie got up off Edward's form that was sprawled out on the kitchen floor, but not quickly enough and Bella was witness to it all.

"Dad….whatcha got there?" Bella walked up to a speechless Charlie and lifted said panties from his grasp. "These surely aren't mine. Jade isn't my color. Whose panties daddy?" Bella tried really hard to hide her chuckle, but she couldn't. "Daddy's havin' sex…ohhhh daddy's havin' sex…..and shit…lookey here….they are…they are what Charlie?"

Charlie sat down in a chair and put his hands in his hair, elbows resting on the table. "They are rppd."

"Um…didn't hear you dad. They are what?" Bella stood over her father's humiliated form and snickered. Edward just stood there, taking it all in and feeling victorious.

"I said they are prppped."

"I didn't hear you…"

"I said they are ripped alright?..They're god damn ripped. I ripped a pair of fucking panties off my girlfriend!" Charlie sat straight up, mortified. He'd revealed way too much.

Bella only heard one thing in her quest to embarrass her father. Girlfriend. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" Bella grabbed Charlie's hair and pulled back slightly so he would look up at her. "Did you say Girlfriend dad?"

"Yeah Bells, I did." Charlie slumped back down in the chair.

"Dad…how long….why didn't you tell us… do you love her…..what does she look like…Edward did you hear this…this is so frigging great…tell me all about her dad…are you happy….when is she coming over here…when will you see her…can we meet her?"

Charlie chuckled to himself and looked at his daughter. Seems the word girlfriend was better to her right now than the word panties, and he was willing to go with it so she would forget the other. He took a deep breath and shared the news with her.

Meanwhile, Edward sat down at the table, saving this panty debacle for later, but feeling quite vindicated.

**A/N**

**Ha….this one was a little to close to home…ceptin' I didn't have panties that ripped…nor were we in a laundrymat…but an ass watch at the car repair shop could be what it was…and my daddy has foul language too….js…**

**OK ATS..I am so friggin glad you are home..home..home….MY FWIEND is HOME!**

**Here's your word/peep prompt.**

**Edward and Carlisle:**

**Sticky Notes**


	14. Chapter 14

**Hello all! Sorry this took so long to get to you all, I am fighting a nasty bug at the moment. Took some Advil, drank some tea and this is what you get. It's short and sweet. Hope you enjoy.**

**Carlisle and Edward – Sticky notes**

"What's with the sticky notes, dad?"

"What do you mean?" Carlisle looked at Edward with eyebrow raised.

Edward crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back into the chair. "I think it's time to get a blackberry or an iphone or something. It would make your life a lot easier."

Carlisle laughed.

"Nuh uh. Nope. Not a chance." He replied as he continued to glance over his charts. Edward started reading the sticky notes that were attached to everything on Carlisle's desk.

"Look, you even have one stuck to your coffee cup." Edward pointed out in amazement.

Carlisle looked up at his son in frustration. "Edward, it's my system, okay? You've got your system, I've got mine. Now leave me the hell alone so I can finish up here. Doesn't your shift start soon?" Carlisle asked dismissively.

Edward pulled out his iphone dramatically and began scrolling.

"Hmmm, let's see. Well according to my _iphone _here, I am due to start in an hour." He winked at Carlisle and smiled smugly.

"Great, I have to put up with you for another hour then?" Carlisle said under his breath.

Edward chuckled and started fiddling with his iphone.

"Just how much did that contraption cost ya, huh?" Carlisle raised his eyebrows and then spoke again before Edward had the chance to respond. " Yeah, that's what I thought." He held up a pad of sticky notes. "See this...$3.99 at Staples." Tossing it down on his desk, Carlisle smiled triumphantly.

Edward rolled his eyes.

"Oh yeah, well what happens when one of your little sticky things falls off and gets lost, you're screwed aren't ya? What do ya do then?" He challenged.

Carlisle paused long enough to look up at his son again. "Never happens. My stickies are fool proof." He tapped on the note that was stuck to his coffee cup it said _'dinner with Esme at 6 at Eclipse' _and smiled smugly.

"Huh, well that's kind of funny because I just talked to mom and she said she would be in Seattle tonight for an ASID convention." Edward challenged again.

Carlisle laughed under his breath then pointed to the sticky note that was stuck to his FarSide calendar.

Edward squinted to read the note...'_ASID convention Saturday'._

_Huh...today is Thursday._

" Maybe I heard her wrong." Edward thought aloud.

"Yup, maybe you did." Carlisle chuckled as he tapped on his beloved pad of sticky notes.

Edward sighed and continued to play on his phone.

"Well, one of these days you are going to have to get with the times, dad. People don't use those antiquated methods anymore. You'll be left in the dust."

Carlisle just rolled his eyes. "What _ever_ did people do before cell phones and text messaging? How did anyone survive?" He chuckled.

"Stubborn ass." Was Edward's reply.

Carlisle laughed as he started closing up folders and stacking them on his desk.

"Well... this discussion has been _extremely_ stimulating, son, but I have a date with a beautiful lady. Can't be late." He said as he snatched the sticky note from his coffee cup and waved it infront of Edward's face.

Edward just huffed and continued playing a word game on his phone.

Before exiting his office, Carlisle paused. "Oh, and son?" Edward looked up at Carlisle.

"You better take a look at the pink sticky note on the lamp there in the corner of my desk." Carlisle smirked, grabbed his coat and left the office.

A few minutes passed before curiosity got the better of Edward and he got up to cross the room. Bending over, he read the words that his father scribbled on the pink note..._'Edward and Bella's anniversary'._

"Shit!" Edward exclaimed as he pulled up the calendar on his phone.

_He didn't have his and Bella's anniversary entered._

"Fuck!"

Edward quickly typed it in and saved it.

"Thanks for saving my ass, dad." He chuckled. "Touche'"

Edward stood there looking around for a minute and then glanced at his watch.

_Half hour before rotation starts._

Popping a piece of gum into his mouth and hanging his stethoscope around his neck, Edward shifted back and forth from foot to foot in contemplation. Sighing, he took one last look around and headed for the door...stopping first to grab a pad of sticky notes from his dad's desk and quickly stuffing it into his pocket.

Chuckling to himself, Edward shook his head as he hit the light switch and headed out to work.

**A/N**

**Hee hee..Father still knows best doesn't he? Love it!**

**Okay MW2, here's your people and word...**

**Alice and Bella – Spinach**

**Me and my sick ass are going back to bed.**

**xxxooo**


	15. Chapter 15

**Big round of applause for ATS…she be a sicky girl and she still posted a winner….Feel better soon bb…hugs and hot tea and advil to you from me.**

**SM owns all copyrights to the Twilight Saga thingy….we're just taking her peeps for a spin…with spinach this time.**

**Chapter Fifteen:**

**Bella and Alice:**

**Spinach**

"Oh shit…Alice, don't look but that dude is staring at you again."

Alice started to turn her head and Bella grabbed her arm. "I said don't look….damn Alice, who the hell is that fine hunk over there? Do you know him?"

"Are you for real Bella? I can't even see who you are talking about, how the fuck would I know if I know him or not?" Alice was getting frustrated.

"Well he's a mighty fine piece of man hunk…that's for…oh shit…he's coming over here" Bella quickly looked away, then back again, trying to see Mr. Man Meat's line of fire.

"Shit Bella…is my make-up ok? My hair? Oh my God…" Alice who was outgoing and a natural friend to all, was suddenly very self conscious and shy.

"You look fine Ali, just be yourself. He is coming over here. Good luck girlie." Bella looked into her purse like it held the world's treasure.

"Do you mind if I sit a spell? I noticed both of you beautiful women and just couldn't stay away." Mr. Man Meat looked intently at Alice, waiting for an answer.

Alice looked up to see just who this person was and her eyes widened. "YOU! It's fucking YOU. What the hell is your problem mister? Are you stalking me?"

Mr. Man Meat was taken aback. "Why, I don't know what you mean Miss….?" The blonde haired, blue eyed man looked at Alice with narrowed eyes. "Do I know you? I think not, hell, I would have remembered someone as pretty as you." He smirked at Alice, showing almost brilliant white teeth.

"YOU have been following me. You were right behind me in the coffee shop. At work today, you parked right beside me in the garage. I went to lunch, and there you were, next table over, now you're here. Who the hell are you and why are you following me?" Alice was mad. Hot. Furious.

"I don't know what you mean Miss…" Mr. Man Meat was leading on his sentence, trying to get Alice's name, but she wasn't budging. "I wasn't at the coffee shop today, nor anywhere near a parking garage. Where did you eat lunch?"

"Oh hell no…..uh uh." Alice stood and stomped her foot.

"Hey…you're kinda feisty. Like a spring filly and I like that. Say, what's you name?"

"Her name's Alice. What's your name?" Bella sat on the other side of the table, watching the fireworks and trying not to laugh.

Mr. Man Meat looked to Alice with a smile that would knock a bull on its ass. "Hi Alice, I'm Jasper." He held out his hand, hoping she would return the gesture.

Alice started to walk away, madder than a wet hen. She couldn't believe the audacity of this schmuck, stalking her all day and ruining her night. _The hell?_

Bella jumped out of her seat to go after Alice, turning to Jasper first. "We'll be right back. Hang tight there Jasper."

"Alright." Jasper drawled and took a sip of his drink.

"Alice…Alice…ALICE!" Bella screamed for Alice to stop, and caught up to her right before Alice opened the bathroom door. "What is your problem girlie, and why do you think this dude has been stalking you all day?"

"Because he has. Bella, I'm telling you that is the same man I saw all those places today. I wasn't dreaming it up. Why the heck is this shit happening to me?" Alice leaned against one of the sinks in the ladies room and tears formed. "I've gotta call Edward. He'll know what to do."

"Oh hell, don't bring your brother into this. I want sex when I go home, and if you rile Edward up, it ain't gonna happen. Jasper seems harmless enough. Let's take a breather here, and calmly go back out there and see what is up with this guy. If it seems odd, then I'll call Edward. He and Emmett can come kick Jasper's ass then…okay?"

Alice looked at herself in the mirror and took a few deep breaths. "Okay. I guess I am curious to know what is going on."

The girls went back to their table and Jasper smiled up at Alice. "So, everything good now?"

"Jasper is it?" Alice tried to bring forth a nice attitude. Jasper nodded at her. "Can you tell me, how I saw you at all those places and now you say you weren't there? I know what I saw."

Jasper looked Alice over, and then turned to Bella for a minute, winking at her. "Alice, I'm not sure sweet thing. Maybe it's fate. We are supposed to be together, so your mind conjured up my image." Jasper looked intently into Alice's eyes and Alice was a goner.

"Wha?..." She could barely form a word, let alone a sentence. "How did I see you in all those places if you weren't there?"

"Like I said doll, perhaps your mind just knew we would meet and wanted to put my face in its memory."

"That's hogwash…what a load of bullshit." Alice shook her head, coming out of the hypnotizing spell Jasper seemed to have on her.

"I'm telling you Alice, I think the God's favor us. They wanted us to meet."

"Okay, this is seriously creepy and all kinds of wrong. I'm calling Edward." Alice grabbed her cell phone off the table and before she could dial Edward, Bella plucked it from her hand.

"I don't think big brother sex hair should be involved in this one. Alice, Jasper seems quite nice, maybe you should give him a chance." Bella sat up, ornery grin in place. "So, Jasper, answer my questions, and prove to Alice that you are a real boy….alrighty?"

"I'm game." Jasper sat back in his chair and lazily rested his arm on the back.

"Where are you from?"

"Texas. I'm in Seattle for a job interview."

"Where's this job interview at?"

"Cullen Enterprises"

Alice gasped. "What?"

Jasper looked at her and raised his eyebrows. "It's at Cullen Enterprises. Why?"

"Bella….."

Bella ignored Alice and continued on with her questions. "So, Jasper, what do you do?"

"I'm a bean counter. I'm interviewing for the CFO position. I hope to make Seattle my home."

Bella smiled at Jasper, looked at Alice and went on. "How old are you?"

"26"

"Single or married?"

"Single"

"Straight or gay?"

"Straight and narrow ma'am."

"Spinach or Broccoli?"

"What?"

"Spinach or Broccoli…which one is worse?"

"Spinach"

"Favorite color?"

"Sea blue"

"Favorite food?"

"American or otherwise?

"I'll ask the questions here Jasper. Any."

"Thai"

"Favorite movie?"

"A Walk on the Clouds"

Alice gasped again and shot straight out of her chair. "What the hell is going on you two? This isn't fate. I've been set the fuck up. That's _**my**_ favorite color, food and movie."

Bella looked at Alice and busted out laughing. "Oh alright Ali. Calm down."

Jasper grinned and held his hand out motioning for Alice to sit down. "Please Alice, sit for a spell, and I'll tell you what I've been up to today. I meant you no harm. Truly."

Alice hesitantly sat down and gave Bella the stink eye. "Fess up you idiots. That wasn't funny."

"Alice, I'd like to you to meet Jasper Whitlock, Angela's cousin from Texas. Since Angie will be resigning the CFO position at Cullen Enterprises, she recommended Jasper. He interviewed with us today."

Alice sat there quietly thinking. Too quietly.

"Hey…Alice…" Bella snapped her fingers in Alice's face. "Snap out of it. I'm getting to the explanation."

"You'd better hurry, I'm out of patience and good humor." Alice crossed her arms like a petulant child. "And…how is it that I've never heard of cousin Jasper?"

"You've heard of him plenty of times Alice. Remember, "My cuz from Dallas? He's geeky, nerdy and too smart for his cowboy boots?"

Alice's mouth made an "O" and she looked over at Jasper. "But you're not geeky, or nerdy."

"Why thank you ma'am." Jasper chuckled and Alice smiled at him, finally relaxing a little.

Bella went on. "So, Jasper came in today and saw your picture on Angie's desk and started asking questions. Emmett gladly told him your whereabouts and the rest is history."

"Em's up for an ass kicking." Alice replied.

"Alice," Jasper looked softly at her, "I just wanted to meet you. So, yes, I followed you. Every time I'd get the courage to say something *poof*, you would be moving, or gone. It was very frustrating."

Alice mumbled something to herself and looked to Bella. "Why the hell didn't you just call me up to the conference room. I would have come?"

"Because Alice, sometimes you come across too strong, hell…look at what happened just right here. We thought if you met Jasper out and about, you wouldn't be so bold. Hindsight, however, is 20/20 and maybe Jasper following you wasn't such a good idea."

"Damn straight skippy." Alice snarled a bit and turned to Jasper. "So, why did you want to meet me?"

"Because Angie has told me so much about you, and when I saw your picture I knew I had to meet you."

Alice was floored. She didn't know what to do or say, and that was a first. "But …I…you…um…well shit."

"Let's say you and I go get a cup of coffee and just talk. You have your car right?" Jasper looked hopeful.

"Yes"

"Then, you can just leave when you want. I have my car as well. Just two acquaintances getting a cup of joe and talking. What do you say?"

"I have to take Bella…"

"No you don't, I called Edward and he's on the way. You two go get that coffee and have some fun."

"Well, I guess okay then…and Jasper?" Alice smiled up at him.

"What sugar?"

"For not liking spinach, you've got some in your teeth." Alice pulled something out of her purse, threw it at Jasper and started walking toward the door.

"Oh shit Bella, you said she was bold. Should I be afraid?" Jasper picked up the dental floss Alice had tossed to him.

"Very" Bella wiggled her eyebrows.

**A/N…**

**Ah..all's well that ends well, esp. if you have dental floss.**

**So…um…ATS…you feeling better yet? Dr. run? Better living through chemicals?**

**When you feel better….here is your prompt…duh..duh…duh….**

**Emmett and Esme: Cinnamon Apple Butter**


	16. Chapter 16

**And I'm back...better late than never, I always say! **

**Esme and Emmett, Cinnamon Apple Butter (yum)**

"What the hell is that?" Emmett said while scrunching up his face.

"Emmett, watch your mouth...it's cinnamon apple butter. Do you want some, it's delicious?" Esme said with a hopeful smile.

"Uh, no way. That looks like something I left in the toilet about an hour ago."

"Emmett!"

"What? It does!"

Esme stirred the apple butter with a scowl on her face.

"I've always told you kids to just try, you don't have to like it, but you have to try." Esme said as she held a spoonful of the diliciousness up to Emmett's face. "Now here, have a little taste."

"Mom, no! I don't want any of that shit! Come _on_, Rosie's going to be here any minute." Emmett walked as far away from Esme as he could get.

"You're really hurting my feelings, Emmett. I can't believe you won't at least try."

Feeling a little bad, Emmett replied with a huff, "I'll try it after Rose leaves, okay?"

"You sure you want to wait? When your dad gets home he's sure to eat it all. It's his favorite." Esme held up the spoon full of apple butter again and waved it back and forth in front of Emmett teasingly.

The warm scent of apples and cinnamon hit his nose and his mouth began to water.

_Hmmm, smells amazing...can't be too bad._

"Dammit." He said under his breath. "Give me the spoon."

Esme smiled triumphantly.

Emmett reached for the spoon and inspected the cinnamon apple butter.

Then he sniffed it again.

Shrugging his shoulders he went in for the kill and put the whole spoon right into his mouth.

Esme looked on as she saw her son's face morph from that of disgust to absolute pleasure.

"Oh muh gawd, dis ish delishus." The butter stuck to the roof of his mouth, not caring in the least, Emmett stuck the spoon back into the pot for another bite.

"Emmett! You can't put that spoon back into the pot like that! Germs!" Esme grabbed his thick muscular arm with the intention of pulling it away from the pot...it didn't budge.

"Emmett, give me that spoon! Give it to me now!"

Emmett started running... spoon in one hand, pot in the other.

Esme ran after him.

_Meanwhile in the living room, Edward and Bella looked at each other wondering what in the hell the commotion was all about._

Back in the kitchen, mother and son were circling the island at top speed; Emmett shoving spoonful after spoonful of the heavenly concoction into his mouth, Esme screaming at the top of her lungs for him to stop.

"You stop right now Emmett, there won't be any left for your dad...he's going to be pissed!"

Emmett wasn't hearing it, that butter was his.

"Emmett, so help me! Don't make me hurt you!"

Emmett just chuckled and continued eating.

"Mom, you wanted me to eat this!"

"I know, I know...but I didn't expect you to eat it all!"

Emmett just looked at his mother, eyebrow raised. "Seriously?"

Esme shook her head and conceded, "Yeah, it was pretty boneheaded of me to believe that."

"Uh huh...boneheaded." Emmett agreed as he took another heaping spoonful.

Esme was fuming. "Give me that damn pot, Emmett Carlisle Cullen!"

The running commenced.

Just when Emmett reached the end of the island again, he switched directions and high tailed it down the hallway.

"Emmett, not in the living room! If you spill that on my carpet I'm going to kick your ass! I don't care if someone calls child protective services!"

Emmett laughed loudly and just looked back at his mother's retreating form.

Noticing a change in Esme's expression and the fact that she was holding her hands up, Emmett slowed a little and turned, but not before slamming into something and knocking it right to the floor.

_Rosalie._

"Emmett!" Esme screamed.

"Rosie!" Emmett cried.

"Motherfucker!" Rose fumed from her spot on the floor.

Esme ran up to her son and she and Emmett looked down at Rosalie...sprawled out on the floor, covered in warm cinnamon apple butter.

Edward and Bella laughed hysterically from their spot in the couch.

**Okay, MW2...**

**Edward and Bella – Eggs**

**Have at it darlin!**

**If you're reading, thanks!**


	17. Chapter 17

**OHHHHHH…that was a good one ATS….Emmett and Esme..and Emmett running…LOL..ok, so you've given me eggs. Eggs. WTF am I gonna do with eggs?..You did use plural…hmmm….read on young jedi.**

**SM owns all of it still yada, yada..you get the picture. Me thinks, I'm gonna give Edward a weird fetish though.**

**Chapter Seventeen:**

**Bella and Edward:**

**Eggs**

"You know you want to Bella."

"No, I don't. Not yet."

"C'mon baby….you do…I know you do."

"No, Edward. I don't. Maybe in a few years."

"Now is the right time honey, come on and just…"

"Nope." Bella jumped off the bed and ran for the shower, with Edward trailing close behind, but not close enough as the door shut in his face.

"Bella, stop playing games with me. It's not that big of a deal."

"Not that big of a deal?" Bella shouted at Edward from behind the locked door of the bathroom. She was outraged. "It is a majorly big deal Edward. What the hell are you thinking?"

"Everybody does it Bella." Edward chuckled to himself, wondering why his wife was getting so damn upset.

"No they don't. Rose doesn't. Alice most certainly doesn't, and your mother would never….ever…ever in her life do it."

"They're wimps that's why. You did it once for me, why not once more. That's all I need, is just once more and then I'll leave you alone. I promise."

"That's what you said the last time, and look what happened."

"Well, this time, I really mean it. Honest, and last time was great. No big deal. It turned out for the best, you know it did. Shit honey, you got a new couch out of it."

Bella could tell Edward was smirking on the other side of the door. It pissed her off. All he had to do was give her that one look and she gave in…Every. Damn. Time. She wouldn't though. Not this time.

"Not buying your brand of shit Edward. I will cave and give you this, then you will ask something else idiotic and asinine out of me next time. Nope. Not doing it. Go ask the neighbor."

"The neighbor? You mean Mrs. Cope? She would be overjoyed to do it Bella." Edward knew Bella's trigger button, and he wasn't above using it to get what he wanted.

"Mrs. Cope would hand you your ass in a pan Edward. Get real. She has never done it."

"She would for me. I know this. She likes me….like…alotttttttttttttttt….." Edward sing-songed the words.

"Excuse me?"

Bella's dander was rising, and it wouldn't be long before she gave in out of her "cavewomaness".

"I said Mrs. Cope would love to do it for me. She flirts a lot, and you know, for an older woman, she's kinda hot."

Edward tried very hard to contain the laughter on his side of the door before it swung open with a hot blooded Bella charging.

As predicted, the door swung open so hard it hit the tiles on the wall and bounced. Bella came charging out at Edward, backing him up into their bedroom. "What the fuck are you on buddy? Let me tell you something." Bella pointed into his chest with her finger and snarled. "No woman on this earth will do _anything_ for you except me. Period. You got that?"

Bella took a deep breath and pushed Edward back on the bed, straddling him. "If anyone is going to do it for you, it's gonna be me. End of story, besides, Mrs. Cope is way too old to do it for you, hell, she doesn't even know how to do it correctly."

Edward couldn't hold it any longer and burst with laughter. Bingo. Bella hit his chest and got off the bed, pouting. "Listen baby, we don't even have to do it inside this time. We can do it in the backyard."

"But it's daytime…..no way. I don't want anyone to know." Bella's eyebrow's raised.

"It'd turn me on." Edward reached up and lightly grasped Bella's downturned face, to look intently into her eyes.

"Damnit Edward, cut that shit out. That isn't fair….that look..all sexy green-eyed look….no fair…stop…really….I don't wanna….aw fuck."

Victory shone bright on Edward's face as he grabbed his wife of 5 years and spun her around. "So, it's outside this time, and the backyard's fenced….no one will see honey. It's gonna be great, you'll see."

"Ya…sure…great. Yup. I'm telling you this Edward, if you so much as breath a word of it, especially to Emmett, I will punch you dead in the balls. Just remember that." Bella huffed and went into the closet to get dressed.

Edward curious as to what she would wear to do it, followed her into the wonderfully large walk-in and put his arms around her waist, holding her back to his chest as he skimmed her neck with his nose. "Mmmm….you smell so damn good Bella. Maybe we can wait a few minutes before we go outside and do it. We've business to attend to first… right here…right now." Edward rubbed himself against Bella and she felt his desire.

"Are you shitting me right now...Seriously? Doing it in the yard gets you that turned on?"

"No, Bella. You standing here in your lacy bra and panties get me turned on. The outside part is an extra benefit."

Bella turned to Edward and rolled her eyes. "You wanted me to do it outside…we're doing it outside Edward. Get your ass in gear and get out there. I'll be down in a minute."

Edward hopped around like a five year old and clapped his hands. "I win..I win…I win and we get to do it in the yard….YAY ME!" He ran out of the closet before Bella could slap him on the ass.

By the time Bella made it downstairs and out to the backyard, Edward had everything set up. It was overkill if you asked Bella, but Edward stood there a beaming smile that lit up his face. Attached to his hand was another. That of their daughter Nessa, presently three years old.

"Mama…daddy says you gonna doed it this year. You is?" Nessa's voice was filled with awe.

"Yes baby, I'll do it this year, but if I get hurt, it's daddy's fault." Bella wasn't above manipulating their daughter to make sure she knew who to protect.

"But mama…daddy wouldn't let you get hurted. He never lets me get hurted." Nessa raised her eyes wide, contemplating how her big, strong daddy could let either of them have a boo-boo.

Bella came to stand on the other side of Nessa, and grasped her hand. "I know he wouldn't baby, sometimes I just get a little scared."

"Oh…I gets ascared too mama. S'ok. Daddy's here." Nessa looked up to Edward and smiled the smile only a daughter can give to her hero father.

"Okay girls. Ready? On the count of three." Edward began the count and looked over to Bella at the last second.

Bella looked down at the row of eggs before her, boiled and colored so pretty for Easter.

Nessa grabbed both her parents hands hard and readied herself to hear the word 'three'.

"Two…Three….NOW girls…now."

The three of them began an elaborate dance around the eggs, trying to avoid crunching them into the earth. The dance, a long tradition of Edward's ancestors, had been how the Cullen's brought in the Easter Sunday.

The _**Hop-Egg**_ or so it was called gave the winner a special prize. Each year, Edward came out the winner. Bella never knew how the man did it, but since he was ten years old, he won. Every damn year. Emmett couldn't do it with his big ass feet, Carlisle tried, but Edward was more lithe, more sinewy when it came to maneuvering around the eggs. Jasper refused to do it since two years prior, Edward had replaced his eggs with raw ones.

The first and only time Bella had tried it, they'd been drunk on mimosas at sunrise. Edward and Bella had stayed home for their first Easter and he'd gotten her drunk off her ass as the sun was rising on the east. Edward talked her into the tradition and she fell for it. Every damn one of her soft boiled eggs was so ground into the carpeting and couch, they were ruined.

Bella yelled at Edward for cheating, and he said sheepishly that he thought he had boiled them long enough. He was right though, she did get a new couch…and carpeting from that fiasco.

This year was Nessa's first time trying. Bella made sure to boil the eggs good and long this year. No surprises. As expected, Nessa promptly stomped on each of the dozen eggs in a line before her. Small feet don't guarantee agility, and she had none.

Edward avoided his eggs in the line, going forward and back, while Bella preferred the hopscotch method of going down the line of eggs before her.

Bella's legs got tired in time and she ended up stomping her eggs, leaving Edward the victor yet again. While Nessa clapped and Edward did his winner's dance, Bella inspected his eggs a little closer.

"Um…Edward…hey…." Bella picked one up and Edward tried to grab it out of her hands.

"Bella, you don't need those, you don't even like eggs remember?" Edward grabbed for the other eleven still on the ground.

Bella hopped out of his reach and held the egg up to the light. "Edward?" She then shook the egg and heard it. "What the heck?" Bella put it on the ground and stepped on it. Nothing. She pulled her foot up higher and pounded the egg with her foot. Nothing.

"Edward?" Bella turned to her husband who had an innocent look on his face.

"What Bella?" Edward reached once again to grab the last egg away from Bella and she held her hand back.

"These are not the eggs I boiled and we colored. Where did you get them?"

"What do you mean? I have the same eggs as you both did." Edward held eleven eggs close to his chest.

Nessa was curious about her daddy's special eggs. "Yous gots funny eggs daddy?"

"No!" Edward turned to his little girl, trying like the dickens to get out of what was coming.

"Can I has one?" Nessa reached up and Edward couldn't resist that baby girl smile.

Edward handed Nessa the egg and backed away from Bella. "OH..daddy…they makes sounds when I shakes um."

Bella looked pointedly at Edward. "So, cheater man…..how long have you had these magnified eggs?"

"What?" Edward had no defense. He was stunned that someone finally caught on.

"I said, how long Edward. How long have you had these eggs? Pretty smart though, you conniving son….."

"Ah ah ah…little pitchers have big ears baby." Edward was standing there, guilt riding heavily on his features.

"Fess up bad boy."

"Twenty years."

"What?" Bella was stunned. "How in the world did you keep them looking new all this time?"

"I color them again every year. Mom would set out the eggs to be colored, and I would change them out. I just claimed the gold bowl each year and no one was the wiser."

"What did you do with the other eggs?"

"Fed them to the dog."

Bella was stunned, but had to continue to ask, to try to grasp this whole sham her husband had been dealing for years.

"Where in tarnation did you get them?"

"Grandpa Cullen."

"He cheated?"

"Yup."

"Why did he share them with you and not your dad?"

"Dad always cussed when he was doing the dance."

Bella stood there amazed. This treachery….this blasphemy of the Cullen tradition. Actually, it was pure genius.

"And nobody knows?"

"Just you, me and now Nessa."

"Good luck keeping it quiet then." Bella looked to Nessa, and back to Edward.

"Daddy?" Nessa looked up into her father's eyes innocently.

"Ya sugar plum?" Edward bent down to level himself with his daughter.

"Ifs I's don't tell, what do I gets?" Nessa shrugged and smiled at Edward.

"Depends sugar plum."

"On whats daddy?"

"On what it is you want."

"A puppy."

"You drive a hard bargin babygirl. What kind?" Edward wanted to see how far she would take this.

"Snaint Bernerd"

"Really?"

"Yesm please."

"So, if I get you this puppy, you will not tell anyone about daddy's special eggs….ever?"

"I promisessses daddy." Nessa crossed her fingers over her chest and looked her daddy right in the eye.

"Deal." Edward put out his hand and shook Nessa's.

Nessa seemed to be done with the whole egg debacle and went inside the house.

"Um…Edward….?"

"Yes baby." Edward was picking up pieces of real egg not really paying attention.

"Look inside please." Bella pointed to the sliding doors off the kitchen. Edward looked inside the windows to see Emmett sitting at the island, with Nessa on his lap, her arms flying all over as she excitedly told him something.

"She didn't." Edward watched Emmett for signs of retribution and found them. Emmett's head raised and he met Edward's eyes with an evil glare.

"Oh shit." Edward started backing up in the yard, moving toward the gate.

"Busted." Bella laughed as Emmett opened the door and came outside.

**Ya'll think Edward ran fast enough?...LOL…magnified eggs…little metal real looking eggs that don't move, nor crack…genius.**

**Ok ATS..your word/peep prompt is: **

**Edward and Bella:**

**Lipstick**


	18. Chapter 18

**Edward and Bella – Lipstick**

**Here's my chapter, I don't know what got into me. _Takes a drag from cigi_... LOL! Enjoy!**

**Chapter 18**

"Baby, you can't wear that...you're going to make me crazy." Edward said as he wrapped his arms around Bella from behind and they stood together in front of the vanity mirror . Bella was wearing the little blue dress she had on the night Edward got home from his long business trip to Italy.

_Oh what a night that was._

Needless to say, that night, the dress spent more time crumpled up on the floor than on Bella's luscious body. If Edward had his way, it would be back on the floor again tonight..._as soon as possible_.

"What, this little ol' thing?" Bella smiled deviously as she ran a finger down the low neckline, she was well aware of the effect this dress had on her husband.

"Uhhhhh...please change now, I won't be able to keep my hands off of you. Put on the black pant suit or the long floral thing." Edward said as he ran his hands up and down the front of her body and kissed along the back of Bella's neck. "This dress is just too tempting for this man's eyes."

Bella pushed herself back into Edward's crotch putting him into a... stiff situation.

"Mmmm..."

"You _do _like this dress, don't you baby?" She smiled.

"You have no idea." Edward groaned some more.

"Oh, I think I do." Bella said as she pushed her ass further into his cock feeling the _full_ extent of his like for the dress.

It took everything in Edward not to tear the silky blue fabric from Bella's body, his hands went from cupping her breasts to smoothing down the front of her stomach and _lower, _all the while thrusting himself into her ass slowly.

"Edward, you have to step away..._uh_... so I can finish getting ready. We are..._uh_...going to be late. Alice will be pissed" Bella breathed out.

Gripping onto Bella's hips Edward halted his movements and moaned into her hair. They hadn't seen their friends, Alice and Jasper, in months. He knew how important this dinner was to Bella, it was important to him too. "Uhhh fine! But you are going to pay later." Edward pointed to his beautiful wife in the mirror. Bella smiled back.

Slowly releasing Bella, Edward took one last look at her, "Mmm, mmm..." and shook his head.

"I'm one lucky bastard." He said as he exited the bathroom and went into the large walk-in closet to find the suit he was to wear tonight.

When he returned to the bathroom to straighten his tie, Bella was just putting the finishing touches on her look...earrings and necklace. She reached over to grab a tube of lipstick, watching her husband with hooded eyes.

_Damn, he looks good. _She groaned internally as her panties moistened.

Edward looked back at her with warning in his eyes.

Bella smiled knowingly and slowly uncapped the lipstick, proceeding to apply it to her full lips...never taking her eyes from her husband's.

This action halted Edward as he was struggling with the tie, he zeroed in on Bella's lips and everything else was forgotten.

Bella watched her husband's face closely in the mirror, the way his eyes followed her every movement. Placing the cap back on the lipstick, she slowly ran her hands down her body.

Edward was transfixed.

_Screw being on time_.

Bella thought as the ache she had for Edward was simply too difficult to ignore anymore.

Lifting the sides of her skirt, Bella swiftly located her panties and pulled them down her long legs.

Edward's eyes widened and his pants tightened.

All thoughts of dinner and friends flew out the window as Bella bent over, placing her hands on the counter top, spreading her legs and arching her back.

With a low growl, Edward reached for the zipper of his slacks. Ubruptly tearing it down and then dropping them to the floor, not even bothering to kick them off of his feet. Pushing his underwear down just enough to release his erection, he swiftly moved behind his wife and locked eyes with her in the mirror.

"Is this what you want, baby?" He said in a low even tone, never taking his eyes from Bella's.

Returning his stare, Bella simply nodded.

Quicker than she could imagine, Edward had her dress up and was rubbing his hard cock up and down through her wetness. Coating himself with her moisture, he wasted no more time and thrust into Bella's pussy deeply.

"Uhhh.."

"Oh my god..."

Pounding repetitively into Bella's wet pussy, both were in complete ecstacy.

"I fucking love you..." He grunted.

"Uhhh, Edward don't ever stop.." Bella almost yelled.

"Oh baby...never!" He said as he leaned back and watched himself glistening with her wetness as he moved in and out.

"Beautiful." He breathed.

Edward was getting closer to release and needed Bella to get there with him.

Reaching down the front of her body, he quickly brought his hand down where they were joined. Rubbing her clit, he continued to pound into her, moaning 'I love you, I love you' with every thrust.

Moments later it became too much for her to take anymore and Bella screamed in release. Edward followed soon after, spilling into her while biting into her shoulder.

"Oh my god, oh my god...I fucking love you so much, Edward." Bella almost cried.

Edward was rendered speechless, still seeing stars from the power of the amazing orgasm he just had. He did manage to pepper kisses along her shoulders lovingly though.

When he finally calmed and his breathing was back to normal, Edward pulled out of Bella and turned her around to face him.

"I love you so much." He smiled. "You are everything to me."

Bella smiled in contentment.

Realization slowly hit her though and her eyes popped open wide.

"Oh my god, Edward...we are so late now! Alice is going to kill us!"

Shaking his head 'no' and kissing his wife on the nose, Edward reminded her of something.

"If I recall correctly, Alice is the one who bought this dress for you didn't she?"

Bella nodded in confusion.

"Well, then it's Alice's fault that we're late then." Edward shrugged.

Bella laughed loudly. "Yeah right, you try telling her that!"

Still chuckling. "You're right though!"

Edward laughed along and nodded. "Yes. See, no worries, baby. Now let's clean up and get going."

Bella kissed Edward quickly on the cheek then proceeded to re-apply lipstick and fix her hair.

"Better late than never, I always say." Bella winked.

"I'll say." Edward said with a beaming smile and a twinkle in his eye.

**A/N**

**Hee hee...just a little citrus. I was in the mood I guess. LOL!**

**Alright MW2, here ya go sweetie. By the way, you're awesome.**

**Emmett and Rosalie – dog poop**

**xxxooo**


	19. Chapter 19

**Hey there….Here I am…ATS..I luff you too bb…you be da bomb!...So, dog poop. Well, let's see what shit I can come up with. *smirks at own wit***

**SM owns all Twilight characters, kisses, books, moobies and all that stuff. The sex scenes are up for grabs.**

**Chapter 19: **

**Emmett and Rosalie:**

**Dogpoop**

"That's nasty Em, don't bring it in here." Rosalie stood at the sliding doors in the kitchen, holding her nose and talking pointedly to her husband of five years as he stood on the deck.

"No shit Sherlock." Emmett rolled his eyes. For as much as he loved Rosalie, she treated him like an idiot sometimes. "I wouldn't have come in there with cacaa on my shoe."

"No shit is right baby….I'm just sayin", Rosalie turned from the door and continued her supper preparations.

Emmett removed his shoes and sprayed them off with the hose grumbling the whole time, his feelings hurt.

Rosalie was just setting the table when he finished, and as Emmett walked through the door, Rosalie snickered.

"What? What is your problem today Rose?" Emmett had had enough. First it was the rose bushes needed trimmed again…this time correctly, then the yard needed mowed….right now….then he wasn't cleaning out their pool good enough to suit her, and then the dog poop and now something else. "Why don't you just tell me when I do something right okay?"

Emmett huffed his way upstairs and to the shower. Making sure not to do anything wrong this time, he laid all his yard clothing in the dirty hamper, closed the lid securely and opened the window before turning on the shower.

In the shower, Emmett made sure not one lick of dirt remained in the tub or on the walls; he wiped down the entire shower with a towel before he exited it.

Emmett next went into the bedroom and got dressed, standing in place so as not to 'ruffle' the bed covers. _All this abuse better get me laid tonight. It's been over a week. She's not on the rag, ….I do not know what the hell her problem is. No sex tonight means a very lazy Em tomorrow and I will watch the damn game._

"Supper's just about ready Em….Em?" Rosalie came around the corner just as Emmett was descending the stairs, bringing the dirty clothes hamper with him.

"Great, what are we having?" Emmett loved his wife dearly; this was just one of those days.

"Surprise supper. Some of your favorites." Rose smiled at him, her earlier ire forgotten. "Edward and Bella should be here with Nessa in about 5 minutes."

Emmett's hard day was all but forgotten when Nessa was mentioned. He loved seeing Edward and Bella, but his one and only niece was the highlight of his life. Nessa's windchime giggle, and her love of horseplay when at the house brought Emmett to life.

He and Rose had put off starting a family, in favor of career establishment. Emmett had brought it up again though about 3 months ago. Rosalie had changed the subject….as per usual.

A knock at the door brought him out of his pondering, and in flew the cyclone that would most likely spill food and drink, create messes and wreak havoc in the name of children everywhere in his house. She was also the cyclone that would make him smile.

"Unca Em….Unca Em…..c'mere." Nessa stood there in the doorway with her hands on her hips, demanding attention.

"What is it monster?"

"I'ms nots a monthur Em." Nessa stomped her 3 year old foot and pursed her lips.

"Then what are you?" Emmett hid the beginnings of a smile and raised his eyebrows, waiting.

"I a widdle gurl."

"Really? Cause little girls don't get to play horse, and they don't get to set in a big girl's chair at supper and they most certainly don't get dessert." Emmett counted down the seconds in his mind. _4….3…2.._

"I a big gurl you baby. You is the sthmall boy…you meanie." Nessa attacked Emmett, her arms around his legs trying to push him down.

"You sthay you is sowwy….right now buwwy."

Emmett wasn't budging, and Nessa was pushing with all her might. He bent over and grabbed her legs, holding her upside down, and brought her face up to meet his own.

"Kisses will let you past the mean bully Nessa, but it's gonna take five. You count them as you give them."

"No."

"Then you don't get to go in for supper."

"No. You no make me…..buwwy." Nessa crossed her eyes at Em and held firm.

"I can just steal them then." Emmett leaned in to grab a kiss from his niece and she licked his face.

"Eww….Nessa…that's gross."

Nessa's tinkling laughter made Emmett shake with his own. "Let's try it again munchkin. Five kisses and I'll let you pass into the supperland."

Edward and Bella stood back and smiled at the scene before them. "Emmett, you need your own kids to pick on. You hold her up much longer and she'll pass out…or puke on you…one of the two." Bella laughed at Edward's statement.

"He's right Emmett….what's worse than puke on your shirt?"

"Shit on my shoes apparently." Emmett stopped short when he realized he had just cussed in front of Nessa. _Maybe she didn't catch that._

"Awwww….Emmie…..you says thit." Nessa's upside down face clearly wore a surprised look, completed with wide opened eyes.

"Sorry…..now give me the kisses and don't puke on me."

Nessa leaned forward and kissed her uncle the required times and he carefully turned her right side up before setting her down on the floor.

Rosalie called to them that supper was ready and they went to sit down at the table, finding it lavishly laid out with all things Emmett.

Nessa took her booster seat and awkwardly tried to place it on the chair next to Emmett. "Hewp me unca" She batted her eyes at Emmett and smiled innocently.

Once they were seated, Emmett looked around at the feast Rosalie had prepared. Bella commented before Emmett could.

"Rose? Did you do a themed dinner tonight?" Bella wrinkled her brow, confused.

"Yup. Emmett's been working hard, so I thought I'd make some of his favorites." Rosalie smiled at Emmett.

Nessa pulled on Emmett's shirt and said "Emmie….you no say thit anymore ok?"

Emmett chuckled. "Okay munchkin….what should I say then?"

"Pew…..dewkey…..cacaa…..pewp…." when Nessa said poop, she popped her p. "nummer twew….terd….."

"Okay Ness, I've got it, now let's see what there is to eat." Emmett knew the shit talk would ruin appetites and he shouldn't have started it with her to begin with.

"Was dat?" Nessa pointed to the platter in the center of the table.

"That is baby back ribs darling." Rose answered Nessa.

"And dis?" Nessa touched the serving bowl closest to her.

"Baby carrots."

"Ohhhhh…..and was dis?"

"Baby roasted potatoes."

"Ohhh….Emmie?" Nessa looked expectantly at her uncle.

"What sugar plum?"

"Dis all has babies in dem. I no want eat babies stuffs, I a big gurl."

Rosalie giggled and re assured the little girl. "No darling, that just means the food is small in size, it's not baby food."

"Was for bessurt?"

"Baby cheesecake squares."

"Oh yum. I jus has some a dem." Nessa nodded her head.

"Nessa, you have to eat supper to get the dessert." Edward loved his daughter's tenacity, but it wasn't going to work tonight.

Emmett looked around at the table, forehead wrinkled in confusion and repeated the dishes in his mind. _Baby back ribs, baby carrots, baby roasted potatoes, baby French loaf, baby salad greens….baby…baby….Oh my God…baby…_He sat up straight and shouted "ROSE ARE YOU PREGNANT?"

Nessa jumped in her seat, scared and started to cry.

"Oh man…I'm sorry Nessa." Emmett quickly picked her up and cradled her, all the while looking directly at Rosalie.

Edward and Bella looked at each other and then to Rose.

"Look at the card under your plate baby." Rose motioned to Emmett's dinner plate.

Nessa grabbed the plate at hearing her aunt's words and Emmett picked up the card, opening it.

"Hewa…wet me unca." Nessa laid the plate down and snatched the envelope, pulling out the card roughly. She promptly opened it and a picture fell out onto the table. "Was dat?" Nessa said as she dropped the card and picked up the picture. "Is aww back and …hey…was dis?"

Emmett looked at the sonogram picture and blinked. He looked up into Rose's eyes and blinked again, mouth agape. "Mine?"

Rosalie barked out a laugh. "Of course it is goof."

Emmett swallowed hard. "I meant….._ours_….this isn't a joke…it's ours…our baby?"

"Dat no baby. Dat messy pictuwer." Nessa lost interest and tried to climb over Emmett to get back to her chair.

Emmett helped her settle in and showed her where the baby's body parts were. "Nessa, this is a picture inside aunt Rose's belly where our baby is growing." His face shone with pride at what he and Rosalie had created.

"No. Is not. Dat is jus messy." Nessa picked up her fork and started to eat her supper.

Emmett got up from his chair, oblivious to anyone else in the room and pulled Rosalie from hers, walking her upstairs.

Bella and Edward looked at each other once more, smiling mischievously. "You think they'll come down before dessert?" Bella asked her husband.

"Nope, but I'm still eating this free meal and the dessert." Edward shoveled potatoes into his mouth and winked at Bella.

**Ah….so the dookey, pewp, dog poop, shit, cacaa etc….made Rose nauseated …along with her hormones….and all is explained…but….(big but coming) EMMETT….has only seen the beginning of the 9 month hag curse….ya….**

**OK ATS….here it is for you bb…**

**Jasper and Edward**

**Laundromat**


End file.
